I am simply.... Phury

Orieji

2012-02-08T11:20:00.001+01:00

"We can see a thousand Miracles around us everyday. What is more supernatural than egg yolk turning into a chicken?"

I woke up naked and covered in sand. My body hurt all over like i had run to the next village which was three hours away. Marks marred my skin like i had battled a wild animal. The early morning sun was just teasing the sky with its appearance. I looked around me, feeling disoriented. My head hurt in a million places. How did i get there? Where were my clothes? I tried to stand and fell flat on my butt. I yelped in pain, gave it another minute and tried again. It took some effort but i was on my feet, eyes scanning around for any signs of trouble. I felt nauseous and bent over to puke out my dinner from the night before.

My body felt strange. I could still smell the river from my position. The sound of insects was like music to my hears. I understood the language of the squirrel calling its mate to join him in the hunt for nuts. I looked around once more. Somehow a part of me knew i was the only person around, so i started walking. Wait! I knew this place like the back of my hand. How many times had i come to this forest to escape the abuse and nsogbu of my chauvinistic step father? Chauvinistic, a word we learned at the missionary school. I cradled it to my thoughts like a new born child. I loved to learn new words.

I found my clothes by the pathway. The wind must have carried them there. It was a mess, so i tied my wrapper and picked up some speed. Sunrise was a beautiful thing to behold and one of my favourite times of the day but i had no time for that now. I had to get home before anyone noticed my absence. I inhaled the morning air, and my body relaxed a bit. The soil under my feet felt alive, almost as if it was moving with me. My body was lighter and before i knew it i was running. A cock crowed to my left in greeting. I felt free and laughed at the sound of the breeze in my ears. I slowed as i neared home. Ochoniro the palm wine tapper was already on his way to tap. He greeted me with a smile as i passed. He was a quiet one, that one. The villagers said he was possessed, yet they rushed to buy out his palm wine day after day. I snorted as i entered our compound, slowing creeping into the room i shared with my step sister and lay on my mat. She was asleep, snoring like one of Mama Ekwi's pigs. I stifled a chuckle as the memories of the night before came rushing back.

The Day Before

I felt rage like no other when he hit me a second time. How many times did he have to tell me that my biological father was a no-good-drunk who left my mother and I when we needed him the most. Tweh, I spat at his feet. Gini ka-ima? What do you know about my father? He would have eaten you for lunch for laying a hand on me. He sneered and laughed. Really? Where is he now then? Why can't he come and save you he said as he backhanded me. I fell to the floor and tasted copper. My lips were bleeding. I heard someone come into the room and when i looked up i saw my mother. She looked furious. Ebitu, what has she done this time? And how many times have i warned you never to lay a hand on my daughter? He looked at me incredulous and smiled. It was scary, evil even and i shivered. He walked away and my mom helped me to my feet. He loved her, which was why i never did anything. Orieji, she began, you must try not to let him upset you so much. There's great power in you my child, and i fear for those you mark as enemies. I wanted to look her in the eyes and tell her that i saw my father everyday. But my promise of secrecy to him wouldn't let me betray that. Instead i hugged her and went in search of my calabash. I needed the river to clear my head. The smell of cassava being washed and soaked to infiltrate my nostrils.

How long i stayed there i don't remember, but it was past sunset when i got up to leave for home. As i walked the pathway, i heard the rustle of leaves and tasted fear. I wasn't alone, which became evident as a whistle began and something hit me from the back causing me to stumble. A hand covered my scream and my body was lifted from the ground. I began to fight but it was no use. They gripped me tighter and something hit my head hard. They walked some distance. Then just like that they let me go and i fell with a thud. I opened my eyes and saw five men, strangers, probably from out of town. One of them was already stripping and the others moved to pin me down. I screamed and a slap split my lip, Two of them held my feet and the other two held unto my hands.

I begged for mercy but the naked one just licked his lips as he approached and ripped off my clothes. Then he bit into my breasts and i cried out in pain, his fingers sticking into my private parts. I began to whimper and move only to have him stuff pieces of my clothes in my mouth. He bent to lick my breasts again and i closed my eyes. Out of my heart began a rhythm and in my head, voices began to speak in tongues i couldn't understand, yet sounded familiar. Me na mimo kaleshi, Adastra rebo mistu. Kobana ewolu, bia, bia,bia. Nuo olum, bia, bia, nyem ike, nyem oku, nyem aka. The voices in my head rose to a fevered pitch and i snapped my eyes open, focused on the leader. I stopped jerking and when he looked at me, the blood left his face and he began to choke. The forest grew loud with the sound of insects and animals. The trees looked like they were dancing. The whole forest was a riot. The others let go of me in confusion. I stood and continued to murmur. Instincts made me clap thrice and bright lights surrounded me. The naked one fell down dead. The others tried to move, but roots quickly wrapped around their legs and pinned them down. I knew the moment my Father burst out in his animal form and tore into one of them. Yet i continued singing and chanting. I walked slowly to where the one who slapped me was held. I spat on my hand and rubbed them in his eyes, causing him blindness as sores spread over his body and burst. Even as he fell, the soil opened up and covered him. The night became cold and i felt death. Their death.

I tasted the fear of the other two, and saw shock in their eyes. My body radiated light like no other and the sand kicked up a storm. There was movement behind me and when my senses spread that way, i discovered more beings like my Father. It seemed as if they awaited some sort of signal from me. So, I raised my hands to the heaven and they descended on the remaining two. The heavens rumbled with thunder and the sound was like music to me. These mortals dared to defile the daughter of Onweala, the god of the forest. There was magic in the air. It was beautiful but all too much for me to take in. I wanted to close my eyes, but my body was no longer mine to control. The others being eaten alive screamed and begged for mercy but my father had never been a forgiving one, and as the last of them went to their death, i fainted.

Fragile Things

2012-01-25T12:06:00.001+01:00

"In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you'll never see again". Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

I am amused. So fucking amused i could take a knife and start to slash off male genitals. So amused i could go on a killing rampage and murder every single guy on the face of the earth, then proceed to soak their bodies in acid so that there are no traces of them left. That is how amused i am right now and this post is from my heart-my fucking heart. I've kept it in for so long but i know its time i just let this thing out. This thing that has kept my chest so squeezed tight that i could hardly breathe. This feeling of shame, pain, betrayal and anger. Yes, I am certainly amused. Can you not tell?

I tried. God knows i tried to have a no-relationship-sex. Everyone was doing it and didn't have to clean out cobwebs. So i thought, it can't be all that bad now can it? But it was just a thought. Deep inside me i knew i could never be one of those people. Oh how i envied them. They were horny, they had sex. Shikina. No complications. No stories. And then you had to come and fuck it all up. I was minding my own damn business before you brought your retarded friend into my life. Not once did you tell me not to get involved with this dude. Do you know what it means to call someone your friend? That means you don't set things in motion that you know might end up hurting them. No, You don't do that.

He wasn't good looking, skinny as fuck if i may add, but there was an attraction. The kind that grows when you see the same face everyday for months. Thinking about it now, I wonder what i saw in him. His dress sense was weird and childish, and he couldn't dance to save his life. But what did that matter at that time. I started liking him and the first time we kissed wasn't bad. All he ever talked about was how he wanted to get married because he was lonely. I didn't wanna hear that. I was horny, and needed to convince my conscience that it was okay to engage in this immoral behaviour already being acted out by my brain.

I wanted sex. I didn't wanna be in a fucking relationship. I didn't want affection. I didn't ask for coupling and i sure as hell didn't ask for love. LOVE. oh my days!!! How did it come to that? You tried to repair me. I'd been hurt in the past and you wanted me to believe that it was okay to trust again. You were gentle with me. Smiling all the time. I remember telling you that i may have to call Katt Williams to help me figure out what it was about me that kept attracting 'aint shit' niggers. Katt fucking Williams. You laughed. Said i was being silly. Feigned being offended at being labeled an aint shit nigga. But Lord in heaven, how was i to know that you had won an Oscars three times in a row for best actor in a life series. No one told me. You were that good at lying. Smooth, like a strawberry milkshake.

So we started dating. Or at least i thought we were. Wasn't that what you always wanted anyway? A relationship. You convinced me it was better than being fuck buddies. I felt suffocated. Like i was being tricked into doing something. Let yourself go Phury. Learn to appreciate those who care about you. Open up yourself to love again. I promise I won't break your heart. Its you i wanna be with. How many times had i heard that in the past? They always left-but yet-here you were promising me the moon and the stars. So i fell in love with you. I fell hard. I fell stupidly. And i fell whole heartedly in love with you. I thought about you when i woke up and when i ate. I wanted to hear your voice and BBM you all the time. Still I didn't. But i wanted to. When we made love it wasn't like in my dreams. It was awkward and i talked a lot. Strange. I never talk during sex. But it was a new experience. How many long walks did we take? How many times did you read a Christine Feehan book to me? Didn't you go to church with me most Sundays, even when you knew i preferred the 6am mass? It was bliss.

They say there was a glow to my face even tho my siblings couldn't understand what i saw in you. No one could. I didn't care. I was happy. The world felt good. Then just like that you vanished. I didn't hear from you in over a month? I'm in shock and my heart beats fast every time, robbing me of breath. I don't delete you from my BBM even though it hurts to see your notifications. My friends come over to visit and your name crops up. You are seeing someone they say. As in you have a damn girlfriend. There are pictures to prove it. Trips to Dubai and Singapore. Her head on your chest while you lie by the pool side. Places you said we would visit. Things we should have done. I start to laugh hysterically. Are you insane? Why did you have to come into my life and make all those promises of love? Promises that all the others before you made.

Two days later you call me like nothing happened. Then you come to see me. Would i like to have lunch? Sorry you haven't been in touch-You've just been going through the motions. Wow! I feel like a girl who was left at the altar. I'm hurt but i don't let it show. I begin to understand that i have a big stupid sign on my forehead. I tell you I'm busy with a lot of things. I try to smile, ask you about work and your sister. Its almost 7pm and i tell you i have to go jogging. You wanna wait for me like you usually do. But usually don't cut it no more. I ask you to leave. But you wanna know what's wrong. I've been acting weird since you got here. I smile. Do you have a girlfriend? You gasp:yes you say, but she's staring at me at the moment. I'm too tired to get upset or throw a tantrum. I show you the pictures of the trip you took the month I didn't hear from you. I can see the battle on your face to come up with some explanation. Let yourself out i say, as i pull my earphones over my head. As i jog out into the street, Snow Patrol's chasing cars plays through my music player, and that's when I allow the tears come. It hurts that i loved you. I cry from my heart at how stupid i've been. My soul feels burdened by pain. My body feels like lead.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. I really fucking hate it. Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol.9: The Kindly Ones

That Same Horn

2012-01-17T13:31:00.000+01:00

It is late Wednesday evening. Steeped in despair at the flight i was about to catch to Abuja, i walked slowly through the airport, unmindful of the people there. The drunks, the families traveling together, Stephanie Okereke and the endless parade of possible homosexuals and politicians. Occasionally i glanced at the faces of these strangers, a young couple in love, a group of teenagers laughing about a scary movie they saw last night. Hah! They had no idea what scary really was, but i could show them. What would they think? What would they do if they knew what i really was? Would they recoil in horror and disgust, or stare at me in disbelief? I'm taking the 8:45pm Aero flight for the Xmas. I'm depressed. A depression that occured as soon as my PA called to tell me he could only get me a seat on Aero. Aero? That's pure undiluted depression right there.

My skin as usual is cold to the touch, but I'm used to that. My eyes however are large and bright, attracting looks from everyone as i walk past. My lips are full and inviting and my breasts feel heavy even as i look around the airport. I'm hungry and thirsty but the smell of food in the nearby coffee shop repulses me and i squeeze my face in disgust. How can they stand these things? I locate an empty seat between a fat man and a young woman. He's asleep and snoring softly like he's been that way for a bit. The girl smiles as i sit down. Her eyes take in my expensive clothing and i see her eyes sparkle. I can tell she's been around. Different scents of men linger all over her like a bad omen. I can smell the syphillis and i look away in disgust. Boarding announced.

I'm just walking to the boarding gate when I see him. He's tall and built, wearing a t-shirt that said 'not a booty call' and i can't take my eyes off him. My heart slams when his eyes meet mine and my stomach rumbles, electricity cackles between us and he looks surprised. I'm glad to know he's affected by the chemistry. I can already picture us writhing on silk sheets in our nudity. His arms are toned from pushing weights and his butt looks so delicious i wanna sink my teeth into them. He keeps glancing at me like we have met somewhere before.

I take my business class seat. My kind have immersed a fortune over the ages but my fee as a private investigator more than compensates for my lavish lifestyle. I was about to put my luggage into the overhead compartment when i felt his presence. He is my seat mate. I smile to myself but he looks nervous. Good. He had every reason to be. He was mine before he even saw me. His body belonged to me and i wet my lips in anticipation of our co-joining. I felt his sorrow like a slap as soon as he sat down next to me. I could read his thoughts. He had lost a loved one. But hadn't we all? I introduced myself and we got talking. His name is Abba.

The plane landed too soon. I was transfixed with this being like no other, and my surprise was visible when it turned out we were both guests at the Hilton. He took my phone number with a promise to call when he was settled in his room. I hoped to hear from him , but a part of me knew it was a bad idea. My conscience reminded me of the people i had hurt in the past. How many men had i truly loved i wondered. There were four in all my years on earth. The others i just took from and used to satisfy my thirst. They meant nothing. My phone rang as i got out of the bath. It was him, asking me to join him for dinner downstairs. I told him i would prefer dinner in his room. He didn't mind and gave me his room number. He asked me to give him an hour as he wanted to take a shower. I took time to apply lemon oil to my skin. The effect was a healthy glow, a lovely smell and the feeling of edibility. My lace lingerie from Style Rebirth was next and a silk frock from L'espace completed the look. My hypnotic poison was so arousing to my senses even as i applied heavy eye liner. My lip gloss was cherry flavoured with a tingy sweetness to it. I opened my door and walked towards the elevators.

As i took the elevators down, i could hear the voices of people all around. The husband beating his wife, the gay couple making out, the waiters teasing each other. I didn't try to close them out, i needed the distraction. The elevators opened for a group of young men. One whistled at me and i could feel his desire rise like a rabid monster. I smiled. Men are such fickle creatures. The doors opened to Abba's floor and i followed the arrows to his room. I was 20 minutes early-intentionally-of course. I knocked on the door thrice and heard him yell something. But nothing could prepare me for the sight when he opened the door. He had only a towel around his waist. There was also an impressive tattoo of a panther running across his chest. We looked at each other and i don't remember who moved first.

I pulled off his towel as we kissed and i could feel his erection prodding my stomach. I died when he moaned and my skin began to crawl. I was on heat, so much so that the air became misty and little droplets of water began to fall. His eyes were glazed with desire and confusion when i pushed away from him, but his mouth fell open when i began to take off my clothes. My breasts felt heavy and my stomach rumbled. When we kissed again, my womb clenched and i pushed him to the bed and took him in my mouth. He grabbed a pillow as i licked him over, and over again. He turned me round to return the favour and i growled like a baby rotweiler. My body was stretching, i needed him so i pushed his face up and kissed him. I climbed on top and felt my legs shake as i rode him like it was my last day on earth. When his lips touched my nipples, i felt my body tense up so i grabbed both his hands and lay them on my butt. I rode him faster and bent down to taste the skin on his neck. So salty, pulse throbbing, ebbing with blood. It was hard to control the monster raging in me. My stomach rumbled again reminding me that i had not eaten all day. My eyes started to itch and redden, and my vagina walls began to close around his penis. He moaned louder and my fangs elongated. And as we both reached earth shattering orgasms, I bit into his neck and drank him dry. It is true what you have heard. My kind really does exist. I am Vampyre and i live amongst you.

To @sheisboki, @khimmypossible, @iluvpinkblush and @RealistXX for the encouragement. This post is respectfully dedicated.

Adam and Steve

2011-12-01T09:36:00.001+01:00

In Genesis Chapter 19, we are told that because two men (angelic beings) were seen going into Lot's house, both the young and old men of Sodom surrounded his house and said to him "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them" ("know them" means sex). Lot refused and instead offered his two virgin daughters to this group of deranged and possibly possessed people. The mob refused his offer and threatened to do worse to Lot than they would have done his guests and proceeded to break the door. Lot's angelic guests rescued him and struck the men with blindness. God had promised Abraham that he would spare the city if even 10 righteous men were found in it. But of course there were no such men. And as Lot and his family fled Sodom and Gomorrah, the Lord destroyed the city with Fire and Brimstone.

In the same book of Genesis, God sees the wickedness and immorality of man and is grieved by his creation, resolving to send a great flood to cleanse the earth. God asks Noah to build an ark to save himself, his family and the world's animals from worldwide deluge of the great flood. Of course people made fun of Noah as he built the ark. After the ark was safely built and with Noah and Co on board, the doors were sealed and that's when the rains came. Its written that in the seventh month, the rain was restrained and the ark rested on the mountains of Ararat. God established his covenant with Noah, his sons and with all living things by placing a rainbow in the clouds. The rainbow is a reminder to mankind that God will never destroy the world with flood again.

In both scenarios, man is destroyed by the creator for "SIN". In the former it was for homosexuality and in the latter it was immorality-which covers an array of sins. In truth, there are different examples in the bible where man has been punished for one sin or another. Remember when the Israelites whilst in the wilderness annoyed God and he sent poisonous snakes to afflict them. A lot of people died whilst others were gravely injured. Not to forget the case of Ananias and his wife Sapphira who were struck down dead by God after they lied about profits they made from the sale of their land. Check this: 'for LYING'.

Recently the internet and the nation has run amok with the Senate's stand on Homosexuality and all of a sudden everyone is a righteous muthafucker. Tweeting and chatting absolute nonsense and trying to impress their followers, get others to laugh or earn some yellow bars like their very lives depended on it. Its amazing how hypocritical a lot of us can be about certain issues. Do i think homosexuality is right? Hell No. The bible says it is immoral and a sinful act. I personally will never understand how members of the same sex-particularly the males-can be attracted to each other. I've heard that the male g spot is located somewhere around their anus. But even at that, I've often wondered where the attraction lay.

That is my stance, but i don't have to go all holier than thou about it. Being a homosexual does not make one lesser than the rest of us. Its a sin-agreed- same as fornication (which by the way 80% of you reading this blog practice) is a sin, just as adultery, cheating, lying, stealing and even sodomy/anal sex between a guy and a chick is a sin. Do you get it now-a goddamn sin yo. This means that unless you repent of sin, its the same hell fire everyone of those other sinners are going to.

Its okay for you to make fun of gay people and castigate them because you've never had a loved one, a friend or a family member who was gay. Do you really think they do not have enough shame in them already? Or would you rather i give a list of people who have committed suicide just because they found out that they were gay, coupled with the grief and ostracism the society would subject them to. From Stuart Walker, 28, who was beaten and burned alive after being tied to a lamppost and left there because he was gay to Justin Fashanu (John Fashanu's brother) who committed suicide after being accused of sexual assault against a 17year old as rumours circulated heavily that warrants had been issued for his arrest. His suicide note read " I realised that i had already been presumed guilty. I do not want to give any more embarrassment to my friends and family". It was later found out that there in fact was no warrant out for his arrest. He was the first black footballer to command a One Million pound transfer fee.

Last night as i sat in my room with two of my good friends talking about random shit, this issue of homosexuality reared its twelve heads. I say twelve heads because everyone's opinion differs from that of the next person. The guy believes that homosexuals should be killed. He says that God gave man the brain to decipher between good and bad. He went on to say that God created Adam + Eve, not Adam + Steve, and that if it was God's desire that man should kpox another man, he would have made a lesser being who looked female. I was astonished. I agree with him totally on certain issues, but my astonishement was on the death penalty. Are you kidding me? Kill a man just because he would rather have sex with another man? Not because he assassinated a political leader, or was a peadophile, or raped and murdered a whole family of women, or participated in a failed coup. Kill him just for liking buttholes? That i did not get.

Please, please, please, please, please, in all that we do on this earth as human beings, we should always be our brothers' keepers whilst trying not to judge our neighbour. There are so many psychological and spiritual problems that cause a human being to become homosexual. Its much deeper than the stuff you read on the papers or that you see on television. There are loads of people who practice anal-fucking-sex and still open their mouths to crucify gay people. Its almost laughable. Its none of your business. Think of how to better your own life and make heaven. All sin is sin as far as I'm concerned. So before you go running to that police station to report your neighbour who is/you think is homosexual, with the aim of getting the Twenty Thousand Naira reward, just remember this: They don't make air conditioned rooms in hell.

I heard them say....

2011-11-03T08:34:00.002+01:00

I can't believe how fickle I've become in the lust department. Those of you who read my blog regularly know that I'm a serial kisser. I don't kiss my crush's though. I try not to even meet/talk to them because i always end up disappointed. Meeting a crush always destroys the mystery and inbuilt fantasy i have about them. I can have a crush on a guy just because he's got nice lips or looks fresh enough to eat, or because he's got amazing eyes or good teeth. I used to have an enormous crush on Lynxxx and thinking about it now i'm not exactly sure what it was i saw in him. I also think for like 3 days in 2010, i had a crush on TEC of Show Dem Camp. Then it was on DPrince just because his songs made me laugh. Then i had a crush on Fally Ipupa just because he could dance and move like a centipede. Presently I have a huge crush on Praiz just because i think he's HOTTTTTT. Of course I've got a life long crush on Mikel Obi. That one can never go away. I've had numerous opportunities to meet him, but i've done my possible best not to.

So it gets me wondering how i draw the distinction between a guy i fancy and a guy i have a crush on. I mean even when i see my crushes, my heart rate accelerates and suddenly i wanna be noticed. Take this for instance, I was at the rayce rolls show at Deuces on Saturday when i got a BBM telling me that this guy i fancy, who attends the same gym as i do, was in the club. Let me just tell you, before then I'd been sitting down and sipping my coke on ice like an innocent virgin. All my peoples were having fun. I couldn't seem to get in the groove. But fast forward to that BBM and it felt like I'd taken eight shots of tequila and was suddenly rearing to go. My crush was here? Say what!!! Tille tille nack am akpako. All of a sudden i felt like dancing so I climbed to the steps of the VIP and started dancing. I kept telling myself that i needed space to dance, but it wasn't true. I was using style to look for him and also hoping he'd notice me wherever he was. I saw him at the bar and held his eyes for a split second, bit my lower lip, smiled and looked away. That was that. I didn't look up again for a bit but when i saw him start to come towards that section, i ran down the stairs and sat far away from his reach. What was that? Please tell me what kind of person does that?

I remember my friend Segun kept asking me what i was doing on the stairs. I think about it now and its kinda hard not to agree with him that a lot of guys were staring at me. Picture this-a 6ft chic in 4 inch heels, wearing a short skater dress, long legs for days and dancing on the stairs. I'm usually shy but knowing that my fancy was there gave me some kind of high. How does this even work? I shun the limelight and crowded places in general, but when i hear or know that a guy fancies me, something inside me changes at that instant. All of a sudden I'm like this sex pistol in my mind, giving out some sort of heat like wolves in the throes of mating. What is my problem?

I'm a cock tease. Its taken me long enough to admit it and I'm not afraid to say it. Well at least i have to be or how else can you explain the fact that I like to see the effect i have on some random guy at the bar, the marvel at my abs when i'm about to take a swim, wearing heels (whether its in awe or intimidation) or being involved in some sort of discussion. I never used to like showing my legs in University. I always felt they were too long for my body. But one day my brother took me to visit a friend of mine and I was in shorts. This was not a big deal cos her family was like mine. What I didn't gamble on was her elder brother's friends visiting. I can never forget the moment i passed them and they all fell silent. I felt like i was being judged, so i just mumbled some greeting and sped past. I found out later that night that my legs, the same legs i was embarrassed about, had caused a raucous.

Please note that i have led so many a guy to think i fancied them and then just withdrew just as well. I have exes i've kissed in a moment of flash backs and the next day they're asking me out to dinner or to the cinema-but all the while i'm thinking huh? Is this because of yesterday's kiss. I've even kissed guys on my case just for having delicious looking lips and just thrown them completely off guard.Its exhilarating. Am i leading them on? I don't think so. I'm impulsive in a way people don't yet know. So its amusing when my friends and family tell me i need to be more adventurous. Its a given that I can be naughty, but no one needs to know all my secret weapons. *mischievous smile*

Yeah----I'm always up for a good kiss and a new crush. But please don't be fooled into assuming that i actually like you, or wanna date you, or sleep with you. For the guys reading this, who have been told i fancy them (You will be in the dozens cos i crush on a lot of guys at the same time), I'm really sorry to disappoint you. If i fancied you-as in really fancied you-you would never ever know. So forget whatever your friend, brother or acquaintance told you. I don't like you. Its just a crush.... read no meaning into it.

Oh by the way, i have a crush on Davido's dimples. Capishe.

Forces of Fate....

2011-10-18T16:44:00.002+01:00

I have no patience or tolerance level whatsoever for animal, place, thing, circumstance or human beings. No matter how much i love you, i lack patience sometimes. I get irritated with people who purposely act stupid. Like a car driving in slow motion on a fast lane or someone knocking on your window for 30 seconds begging for money at a red light when they could have moved on to the zillion other cars parked behind, Okada men who feel they are invisible and can criss cross on a high way with cars doing 120m on a stretch, women applying eye pencil and lipstick in moving traffic. Now do you feel me? Its become so bad that i'm thinking of starting a book called "Things i don't give a fuck about"!

For instance, i woke up this morning and took a shit. Then i proceeded to the sink to wash my hands and brush my teeth and viola-water wasn't running. This shit pisses me off because it usually takes about 45 minutes for the pumping machine to kick in. On a weekend, i'll just turn it on and go watch a movie until its full. But on a weekday when I'm trying to multi task brushing my teeth,washing my underwear and picking out something to wear to work at the same time-because i dozed off as soon as i hit my bed the night before-it can be so frustrating. One time i used three cartons of nestle water to take a shower... desperate times. I leave a poodle of water from the shower to my room-too late for work to clean it up.

I get into my car only to find out that the battery of my official car has run down because i forgot to switch off the new Xplod deck i put into the car that does not automatically go off when the engine is turned off. I chew on my bottom lip like that's gonna help me out of my predicament. I ask the gate man to call a driver from the neighbours house to help me with battery cables and things. That's when the dogs decode they wanna stand on their hind legs and scratch at my legs. Rippppppp--my panty hose (which i had to wear to give the illusion that my dress was longer) ladders. I go back inside to change it and slip on the poodle of water i didn't bother to clean before. My arm which i had surgery on takes the brunt and i scream out in pain. This is so not happening. Finally the battery springs into life and as i ease out i dread the traffic i'm about to face.

I've only driven a couple of minutes when i realise that my AUX wire is missing. I prefer playing music from my phone. I can't understand how until i remember i loaned it to my cousin last night and it was probably on the dining table where i told him to leave it when he was done. Resigned, i put in a Janelle Monae cd, but if anything it gets me more irritated.

I've just driven unto Ajose Adeogun when i feel my car jerk a bit. I turn to look and can see an okada man struggling with his bike which has somehow collapsed on my car. This same car that was sprayed last week to give an illusion of tear rubber. I grab my tear gas (its looks like a pen, but is actually teargas-a gift from my late dad) as i prepare to get down. Of course it had rained so the grounds were kinda wet so i search for my slippers because my red shoes are suede. Then it dawns on me that i left them in my gym back yesterday, which also turns out to be in my room. I wear the shoes and get down by which time they're already about 10 other okadas gathered like I'm supposed to be intimidated. Cars are honking left and right but i give them a finger. One of the Okada men mutters 'na woman sef, dem no fit drive'. 'Madam move your yeye moto from there'. And just like that i loose it. I went absolutely ballistic and started waving my hands in the air and screaming go to fucking hell. I would spray this whole can in your eyes if another person utters one more word. I swear to God one more word and you will understand that this idiot here just hit my car....my CAR..... People look shocked and i bet they can't believe this woman screaming. I can't even recognise my own voice. LASTMA and Police, some minutes later and the fool, who without his deranged gang of okada men is like a helpless little sheep, starts begging and pleading-saying his wife is pregnant. GTFOH clown, my husband still hasn't found me yet. You think you're the only one with issues?

By now i've got fumes coming out my ears. Then of all the bad luck in the world a black cat jumps right in front of my car. Are you kidding me? Are you daft? I'm doing 70 and there was no way i could brake suddenly. My rear would go and all the other cars behind me would have in turn crashed into one another. I just couldn't stop and i felt my tyre go over it. My side mirror showed the cat genuflecting on the side of the road. Dogs run off when the hear horns-but apparently cats don't.

I get to work 33 minutes late and horn at the gate. The security guard who opens it is on the phone talking and just swings it open. As i drive in, the wind causes the particular one that he's supposed to hold to swing in full force and crack the back seat window. I'm too weary to talk so i just drive in. Its an official car-let the company and insurance deal with it. He's running to meet me but i wave him off. Just stay away man-i could stab you right now.

I step out and into a puddle of dirty muddy looking water which i may have noticed if the idiot hadn't let the gate slam into my car. My left shoe discolours immediately and i suddenly feel like crying but i don't. Instead i reach for my handbag on the passengers side and then open the back seat door to get my laptop bag. I pull it out and in an attempt to wear the strap, the laptop falls out of the case (which by the way i forgot to zip up two days ago after watching a movie on my way to a meeting). It crashes to the concrete floor and that's when the tears come. The forces have definately conspired against me today.

I reach down to pick it up. By now drivers from my office have come to my rescue. They can't believe the tears in my eyes. Some offer to help me gather my things while one tells me he will take the car to get a quote for repairs from the workshop. My colleagues i pass on the hall way give me second looks but i walk striaght to my office door and search for my keys in my bag. Of course its with IT, cos i left them working on my system yesterday. I send someone to get it. LOL. I'm laughing because he comes back to say that the particular guy who worked on my system called in sick this morning. His phones are off and no one knows where he kept my keys. My boss who has a spare key has gone to ikeja for a meeting and his office is locked. His PA who may have his spare key is on maternity leave.

I sit at the waiting room and in full view of everyone there i start laughing. Can my day get any worse? I get up and go to freshen up in the ladies. Walk out 5 minutes later not feeling better but i thank the drivers. Its better for me to go to my colleagues office and just chill until my boss returns. I'd only taken about eight steps when one of them says "Sister e be like say you wound oh, blood dey your dress for back". I freeze and turn to look behind my dress and sure enough there's a red patch right in the middle of my damn outfit.

Rule Book of Bollocks

2011-10-05T14:46:00.001+01:00

What a bunch of absolute fuckery listening to people debate and whine about dating a chic who has a history string of 7-10 guys below the belt. I mean, is that what the problem is with Nigeria today? Guys paying too much attention to womenfolk's vagina and judging her by statistics? So if she dated 10 guys in 10 years and slept with all ten that makes her whore? Mothers telling their daughters bullcrap like "I was a virgin when i married your dad" is bollocks number two after "I always came first in school" in the rule book of bollocks our parent's say.

Who died and made you judge over Israel? How dare you decide what to tell a woman based on the people she's been with. What do you know of her life, her struggles, her pains, her weaknesses, the circumstances that drove her to do the things she did? A woman sleeps for money-its an issue. She sleeps for fun-its wahala. She kpoxes her man-its wahala. What the hell is wrong! You quote the bible and lay emphasis on the verses that state a woman should be virtuous. Didn't your bible tell you that virginity is not a virtue? (A virtuous woman is explained in Proverbs 31). Are you telling me that a virgin who has committed patricide, murder, sodomy or has stolen from the church, her company and oppressed those beneath her is virtuous all because her hymen is intact? Get thee behind me satan.

I suppose when you asked your girlfriend how many guys she had been with, she said you were the second right? In your mind you've snagged one of the good ones shei? Lets think about this for a moment- you date a girl who has just slept with two guys, but has no job, is lousy in public, can't stand your family and is rude to all your friends or on the other side, she's had seven lovers, is a great cook, has a great job, is church going, and an introvert-which of them would you pick. Yes, you have to choose one, you can't have it all.

At the end of the day, sex doesn't last forever. When we are old, and our bones are too weak to support us, and we begin to lose our ability to hold urine or hold in fart, what happens next? We obviously cannot have sex. Is it gonna matter then if your wife slept with 10 men? If you guys are not friends, or if you do not get with someone who you find attractive spiritually, mentally, academically, socially and physically then you're gonna grow old to be a miserable excuse of a human being.

Every woman's body is hers to do with as they so please. I'm not saying you should go all domitilla on yours but didn't Martin Luther King say we should be judged by the content of our character? A woman should never be fucking judged by the amount of guys she's slept with. Its a fucking ridiculous mentality and O kod belso to all the guys who think otherwise. For the ladies who go around running their mouths and stabbing other girls in the back. Keep doing what you're doing because that's the highest level you'll ever get to in life. You think you're Miss goody-2-shoes because no one knows about the dragon size skeletons in your closest. If you've really only slept with two guys i'm really happy for you. It can only be one of three things: You're just into your second relationship, You're a lesbian, or you're a really principled person. Either way, let that decision be yours and not reflect on others. I'm really pleased for you either way.

I had this acquaintance who went on and on and on about how her friends were sluts and how she couldn't stand aristo girls/girls who dated married men and how they were all going to hell. She would give speeches about how her mom taught her better and all that. They are your friends, why can't you talk to them? Why badmouth them to me? Do you know how annoying it is to listen to such holier than thou people? Yesterday i just got fed up and said to her, "Your mom is a freaking third wife, how the hell do you think she got there?" I'm against ladies dating married men, it is so wrong on many different levels. But if i had a friend doing such, you can be sure i'd give them a piece of my mind-not ramble about it to some acquaintance.

All i'm saying is that there are more important things in life. There are women getting raped and assaulted everyday, Men dying at war, Children being sold into all sorts of slavery, malnourished, dying of diseases and starvation, Hurricanes, famines, wild fires, tsunamis, earthquakes, poverty, world hunger, joblessness, Ozone layer falling apart and in Nigeria boko haram and what not. What have you done to help your neighbour who is destitute or a stranger in need? When last did you visit an Orphanage or donate to your local church or mosque? There are more pressing issues in this life than sitting on your butts wondering if or why the chic you're with has slept with over seven guys. Its not that serious-yet.

Grace...

2011-08-17T13:11:00.002+01:00

"I've been bruised and battered and i couldn't tell what i felt, i was unrecognisable to myself".

It amazes me how much love and patience God has for me. I sit and think how lucky i am that this powerful being has never turned his back on me. I'm not a saint or a religious person. After all, the last time i went to church was on the 14th of August 2010, which was the day my dad was buried. The funny thing is i became close to God while he was ill. I'd just left an intense relationship then so i threw my everything into prayers. I downloaded songs from Kirk Franklin and other gospel artistes. I substitited my early morning dance routine for praise and worship. I recall breaking down one morning after singing R.kelly's 'You saved me'. The verse where he calls up his mom to tell her that he has cancer? I was bowling my eyes out like a wet fish.

Of course my dad died so i derailed. Worse than i had been when he was alive and way before he got sick. I just thought:What the fuck was all that praying for? I prayed to you, i cried, my heart bled and i sang to you. I believed in you because your word said i should. I trusted you to make him better but you took him away. You broke my mother's heart, left her a widow and now my siblings and i have no father. So yes, i just gave up. No one ever saw me cry except my ex who spent the night at our house. I had to be strong for my mom. We all walked around wearing shades looking like the Men in Black.

We look back now and we laugh at how we all behaved. We laugh at so many things that caused us grief back then. We laugh at all the fake friends that were dropped from our lives, we even laugh at the fact that we would cry when we remember he's gone. The weird thing is the open doors that came through for my family. It was amazing. It seemed like God was saying "Dearly beloved, i'm sorry i took your father and husband but he's in a better place and i meant no pain". Does it sound crazy? I even got more admirers on my case than ever before. Every time someone came to pay condolence, there was a hot guy here and there. Believe me things were happening in all our lives.

There are times i wake up in the morning and still ask God why? But not so much these days. I tell God everyday how i promise not to be naughty or engage in any sexual activities of any kind. But next thing I'm kissing some guy with really beautiful lips or dreaming about licking another. And yet with all my short comings I'm still loved by God. I bet when i have conversations with him, he chuckles every time. I bet he thinks 'Phury, what would i do with you'? I grin sometimes when i imagine him too. And i love to tell him how utterly graceful, loving, forgiving, honest and slow to anger he is. When i feel like his patience may be running out with me, i get on my knees and pray to him.I apologise for being a naughty girl, I apologise for being proud, I remind him that just because i haven't prayed doesn't mean that i don't love him with all my heart. I apologise for not going to church or paying my tithes. Then i thank him for his patience, my family and for life but most especially for sending Jesus to die for me. I ask him for strength to fight temptations and he gives me that. He always gives me that benefit of doubt. I pray for my enemies, which is a big deal as I've only just learned the act of forgiveness. Its a given that he knows my future and sees into my heart. But honestly, where would we all be without his grace? I'm a sinner. I know this. He understands this.

I sit here and listen to Simon Webbe. That dude has got some really amazing songs. On occasions i start my day with his song 'No worries'. If you're feeling down in the dirt and it seems like the whole world is on your shoulders and you cannot keep on, you should get down on your knees and pray.....then listen to that song. God has been mighty good to me and I'm in a really good place in my life. Any time i feel like I'm better off being that loner who never wants to date again and everyone thinks is a snob, God always reminds me that I'm surrounded by love and great people whom he has sent to keep telling me otherwise.

Underneath the Mango Tree

2011-08-08T10:47:00.002+01:00

I have such bad luck at the moment that if i fell in a barrel of penis, I'd come out sucking my thumb.

I grew up surrounding myself with principles upon principles upon principles and walls so high it would have put the Eiffel Tower to shame. Those of you who read my blog regularly know that i have rules i live by and i hardly ever break them. I guess i didn't want to disappoint myself or my family. I saw girls being ridiculed everyday for the smallest mistakes and i didn't want to end up like them. So, everything had to be right. The only strange aspect of my life was being a serial Kisser-but that one i didn't mind. For years i wondered if perhaps I had man issues. I've dated four guys in my life time and none of them possessed any qualities similar to the other(s) before him. I get so lost for words when people then ask me "What is your type"? That question always scares me because its something i never think about until the question is directed at me.

All my exs have ranged from Delta, Ibo, Yoruba to big, fit, strange dressers to good dresser to good kiss, to okay kiss. The only thing they all had in common apart from having dated me was that they were all shorter than i was. I've been called emotionally crippled in the past. For a part I can't blame them. Even my brothers tell me i think like a guy. I'm that girl who would break off with a guy for cheating on her. You would never hear me nag-instead I'd rather walk away from an argument or hang up the phone. I'm the girl who would get upset and act like nothing is wrong. But I'm also the girl who would show you i like you and actually let you go once i think you're acting up. I love my space and sometimes i just wanna be left alone. Its not a thing of pride, I had my heart broken once, so I'm really very weary, always analyzing situations.

I bet this makes it very difficult for a guy who genuinely likes me. Yes, I'm 6ft tall, with an okay face and my body is fit. Its true that guys tell me every now and then that they fancy me, so a guy would have to be different for me to fall for him. I hung out at 007 a couple of nights ago with one of my exes and we reminisced about how we met in law school and all the letters we used to write each other. We talked about how he would be by me when we went out in public places and it turned out i was feeling uncomfortable. These little things were exceptional to me. Just recently, i started liking some guy. I asked around about him and people said he was grounded. He would come to my house everyday after work (I'm a gym person, so you can imagine what it took for me to miss going to the gym all those times), but i wouldn't see or hear from him on weekends. Plus when i saw him in public he would act distant like he didn't know how to act around me and blame it all on the alcohol, making me feel like i was being paranoid. It was so fucking annoying and I didn't quite get it. After a while, i got tired of the charade and gradually began to distance myself from him.

So what is my type? I mean i wouldn't mind dating someone who is 6ft3 for once you know. I'm not particular about the colour of his skin or nationality. It would be nice if he wasn't a heavy smoker or drinker. Because I'm prone to bouts of difficulty I'd like someone who can handle me. Someone that can say "oh!snap out of it phury, stop acting like a pant", and proceed to tickle me senseless. Yes, I'm ticklish. Its the fastest way to get me to laugh and relax. Someone who won't let me walk out of an argument until its resolved. Someone who would let me know its okay to let go of some of principles. Take me for long walks,the beach, or to any type of social gatherings (The three things i avoid the most in my life).

Its weird how i start liking a guy and it just takes something small on his part to put me off him. When i say put me off him, i mean see-him-in-public-and-act-like-he's-a-stranger put me off him. Its also true that i get bored of people easily, but if i think a guy who was interested in me is no longer, I'd just let him go. Sometimes i get paranoid, so i distance myself. Whoever decides he wants to be with me must have the patience of a thousand angels and the very charms of the devil himself.

I'm one of those girls who find it hard to say i love you. My actions always speak for me and i find myself fascinated by the concept of devotion. I'm scared shitless of commitment and marriage because of all the qualities i listed above. The biggest challenge of marriage for me would be sharing my personal space. I wear this facade like nothing gets to me but deep inside I'm barely breathing. So my type must be that guy who can take me out of my comfort zone and show me through his actions(not his words) that he cares deeply about me. He will kiss me at the weirdest times and hold my hand when it seems like I'm feeling insecure or jealous or tickle me for no reason whatsoever-just because he can. And when i find that guy, i promise to never let him go--at least for a while.

Ps: My best song at the moment is Tim Tim-Underneath the Mango tree(It was a soundtrack for James Bond's Dr No). Yeah...I'm emotional like that on occasion.

One Night Stand

2011-07-15T13:27:00.004+01:00

I was depressed as i'd been for a long time. Everytime i remember that my dad is gone, i feel depressed. I go about broody and enter into these occassional mood swings. Then i go through the names of everyone on my phone book. Who should i call? Who should i bb? I'm horny but i'm not in a relationship. I can't have sex if i'm not in a relationship. But i wanna have sex. Should i call up one of my exes, seeing as none of them are in relationships. I'm still breezing back and forth when my sister knocks on my door to tell me we're going out for drinks. But i don't want to, i just want to brood. Can't they just let me brood?

I'm exasperated by the time i get to Blue Bar at Four points. My mood is so foul that i would have made Adolf Hitler look like a puppet. There are guys all over-are they good looking? I can't even tell. I just wanna brood, why won't they let me brood? I excuse myself to use the ladies and keep my eyes peeled to the floor. I know a lot of people here but I'm not in the mood for small talk. Bump!! I bump into a wall. Finally i have to raise my eyes up and rub at my forehead. What's a wall doing in the middle of the floor, only its not a wall. The guy has an amused look on his face. He's built like an NFL player. I'm stunned at first and then i snarl like a wolf and walk away. Stupid guy can't even watch where he's going. I enter the ladies and there's a girl applying what looks like nail polish on her shoes- wait a minute, that's not even right! I go into one of the cubicles, its so clean i'm tempted to seat down. I can feel a headache coming on. I just wanna go home.

I take a walk back inside. The noise and atmosphere is making me queasy. Perhaps I'm about to mutate into some weird creature. I sit down on an empty table-my sister and her mates are dancing. She looks like she's having a great time. I want whatever she's having but no, I can't drink alcohol. The seat next to me moves, its wall man. He sits and smiles and moves his lips. WA nye whu toh che..... is all i hear. What? I say. I can't hear you, the music is too loud. He looks around and gestures to the pool area. I roll my eyes. He wants to make me walk through these people and have to acknowledge those i know. Worse still, my crush from the gym is around somewhere. Tick tick tick.... my headache is slowly getting worse. I feel like i'm suffocating. Oh fuck it, what the hell! I get up and he follows me.

Are you okay? You've been frowning all night he says. I have been, you don't say? I was dragged out of my bed to come to this stupid place and i have a headache that is gradually eating my brain cells. But i 'm like yeah-I'm just peachy and we continue the conversation. He's a banker who played football in the states while in University. As he speaks I'm mesmerised by his lips. His teeth are fantastic, but his lips are perfect. He's not good looking but he smells nice and i'm practically laughing at everything he says. Why the hell am i laughing? Next thing we're sitting and my hands keep brushing his shoulder. You're so funny i say. But all the while i'm thinking 'can you kiss me and do it quick?' Phew.... my sister is ready to leave. Wallman insists on escorting me to the car. But i don't wanna go home yet. I wanna kiss him, why won't she let me be?

Outside and he hugs me goodbye. "You know i can always take you home if you still wanna stay and maybe dance".... yes! yes! yes!!.... but instead i say "Are you certain? cos i don't wanna be a bother. I turn and tell my sister that I'll find my way home, she looks worried, i never say that. I assure her that my cousin will bring me home and she drives off satisfied. Suddenly i'm not in the mood for blue bar anymore. "Where's your car?" Its an infinity, its tinted. A ripple goes through my vagina.... What the hell was that. We climb in and continue talking. Sorry, he's talking and I'm looking. He smiles and leans forward. I grab his head for a kiss and the ripples come again. He's kissing me back. I pop my eyes open and take a peak at the back seat. I giggle and turn over to climb there. He follows me. I straddle him and pull off my dress in a swoop. He grabs my butt and i moan. Wow! His lips are on my breasts as i run my hands to his buckle and pull.

The buckle comes off and i stand up to make space for his pants. His penis springs out like a proud prince. Its dark in the car and hot as hell. His penis is so hard and when i touch it, it juts out. I giggle and enfold it with my palm. Its huge. Is it me or is it speaking to me? I'm excited and so wet my skin feels like i peed on myself. Someone is moaning and its me. Wait- do you have a condom i ask? He looks dazed!! Erm no..... he replies. What the hell! My body is already singing and there's no condom? I look to see if his fingers can do the trick but i'm sceptical about where they've been- The toilet, his nose, some other girl's vagina...revulsion. What am i doing about to have sex with a complete stranger. I sigh and move aside and there's an awkward silence at first. So we chat about some weird nonsensical shit as we readjust our clothes. He keeps stealing glances at me as he drives me home but i reply in the negative when he asks for my phone number. Crazy yeah-considering he would get to see where i live.

They say general dissatisfaction drives most one night stands. You see a person, maybe even have a conversation with them, and they look a certain way/do a certain thing/ say some words that get your juices flowing and your curiosity is piqued. You wonder if he'll be a screamer, a moaner or a silent one (I HATE the silent ones). You want him on top or beneath you immediately. Its almost like a race to cum, zip your dress and then bounce. Are you really concerned with pleasing him? Do you really care if he likes what you're doing? Obviously there's no pressure. Its all about getting naked or semi naked with someone who at that point is a total stranger.Names may or may not be exchanged. Phone numbers certainly not. Then you get them naked. And it just.doesn't.work. So you wanna leave and you NEVER want to see that person again. No Charles Aznavour in the back ground singing 'he's the place i can't forget'..no tingling feeling of finding the one. Its just all pure simple lust at first and hopefully last sight. So yes, if i ever had a one night stand, that will be the scenario. What would yours' be?

Rilwan-Killing Em Freestyle ft Black Magic

2011-07-05T12:10:00.000+01:00

One of my favourite artistes on Play Records is Rilwan. He has just released a new web video for his track Killing Em which is a free style (featuring Black Magic of Syndik8 Records) over fabolous 'You be killing em" single. This is a fun video and reminds me of Chris Brown's Beautiful people video. I also happen to make a cameo in it. Anyone who can spot me gets a N1,500 recharge card of any Nigerian network of their choice. All you have to do is comment on what part i played in the video. Get typing people

What Women Want....

2011-06-27T17:38:00.003+01:00

"Women have been trained to speak softly and carry a lipstick...Those days are over"

WWW are the three words guaranteed to frighten any man alive-or at least according to the men folk. Men act as confused as a bunch of blind lesbians in a fish shop when it comes to understanding what makes the average woman tick. For ladies all we had to use were our instincts, intuition and a little bit of detective work when it came to men. I agree my Father told me about the birds and the bees but i hate to think it was all lies because I went steady with a woodpecker for three years. He never told me about woodpeckers. But i figure the same way all guys cannot be said to be the same, is the same way guys must understand that "All women DO NOT want the same thing".

An aristo chic would tell you she wants a wealthy guy, hell most chics would say the same thing. But there are those who care about the more mundane things in a relationship as opposed to wham bam thank you maam. Sometimes i feel the reproduction of man is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

My name is Phury Mackeltar and these are the things i want in a man. Understand that this is merely a wish list and may differ a little from reality.

Sensitivity: A man has to be attuned to me in a way. I said on twitter some days ago that the best aphrodisiacs for women are words. Words lead to every thing-forgiveness, sex, relationships, hatred etc. I need to know that when I'm sick, irritated, confused, sad, happy, dejected or even having a bout of low self esteem, he would understand my plight. He should know what to say and when to say nothing but just be there for me. This falls under being romantic too.

Confidence: Men have called me a bitch, a man-hater, a feminazi and all that bollocks...but in my mind it always translates to "You don't need me to validate your existence, and that scares me". I can't stand a man who appears intimidated by me. There is nothing sexy about that and I will only just resent you. Seize me by my horns and kiss me if you want to. If i slap you, that basically tells you not to try it next time. But what if i don't?

Honesty: I tell white lies sometimes but its all in good faith.I like to shock people as much as i can and once that aim is achieved i go on to tell you it was a joke. If you met a girl you wanted to have a casual relationship with, just come right out and tell her that instead of making promises you can't keep. You know the adage about a woman scorned yeah? Believe me, there's a reason its called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girl's go wild they show their breasts. When women go wild they kill men or drown your new girlfriends in a bath tub of urine and puke. All women do this right? No? Shit!!!

Players: I cannot fucking stand players. I've had to tell girls off on certain occasions. Your jerk of a boyfriend is like a plate of rotten beans in the fridge. You don't keep going back and tasting the beans to see if its better; why do you think that if you gave him enough chances, he'll magically become a nice guy. If you are a player and reading this, revert to the above paragraph on honesty.

Intelligence: Its been said that once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence, it is almost impossible to get a husband;she simple cannot go on listening [to men] without snickering. I want someone i can carry interesting and intellectual conversations with. My date last night was so annoying. And oh!the painful attempts at wit. Clearly this guy thought he was hot shit on a stick with rice. I do agree with the shit part,though,i definitely have my suspicions about that stick. Do not tell me I'm so tall, or sexy or have niceteeth. That is not intelligent. Especially the part about my teeth.

Brave: People are wrong. The size of a man's penis is unimportant. What matters is how big his balls are. Whilst i don't want someone prone to displays of public nuisance, i would sleep better at night knowing that my man would break a jaw to keep me safe.

Commitment and Friendship: I know I'm commitment phobic but maybe that's because i haven't met the right guy yet. But when i do, I'd like for him to be committed to me.I think men are more in touch with the realities of commitment, and that's why they avoid making them. We women on the other hand candy-coat the reality of dating. Its always important to become friends with a chic who you like without telling her you like her. That way you get to know the real her.

Sex: Need i say more? You're either good or willing to learn. Either of the two works for me, but if after six tries you still ejaculate after ten seconds, then we have to call Houston. After sex when I'm not satisfied, and he lays there grinning like he just kissed Irina Shayk, I feel like pouring hot wax on his penis. Hahahaha. I jest of course:premature ejaculation isn't a laughing matter for anyone, except for your friends when you tell them about it on the phone the next morning. I know someone's marriage who ended because the main event was invariably over before he got his shoes off.

Look Good: No beer bellies or teeth plaques from too much smoking. This is why women have more opportunities than men to get laid. I mean, have you LOOKED at the guys complaining that they can't get any? They have bad haircuts, no concept of how to dress, don't shave their armpits or wear any underwear. Then some tuck their shirts into pants so that we can see their beer bellies hanging over their belts. Ovoko!!! And they try the LAMEST lines on women who look like they just stepped off the fashion pages of vogue. Now if you were a wealthy SOB, all that may work for you-But if all we are talking about is sex here, and raw sexual extraction. Let's face it, the bulk of the male race is damned ugly. You want to get laid or need that hot chic with the toned body? Try looking HALF as good as the women you drool over.

God Fearing: That is all. No need for explanations. This simply means you can't initiate weird things or illuminate.

I've said it before, there are lots of single women in the world that have yet to spontaneously combust due to lack of the presence of the penis. So if as a guy after reading this you find it hard to understand WWW, then i really don't care anymore. Plus now i don't even care if you're angry or frustrated because someone [me] changed the rules while you weren't looking and forgot to send a damned memo. Not all women want the same thing. Just concentrate on what the one you're with or want to be with wants. Get used to it,guys. Or get a cat.

B.P.D

2011-06-17T17:26:00.000+01:00

To be perfectly honest i have no friends. I have no one that i wanna call on a friday evening and ask them to come over, go to the movies or do dinner. Not one person i wanna tell all about the bad day i'm having at work and how my boss is being a total dick. Not one that i wanna go shopping with. There was no one to call when i experienced my first heatrbreak and could barely function. I didn't even have anyone to call the day that my father died or in the aftermath of his death. That Ladies and Gentlemen is the kind of life I've lived and the kind of person i am. I simply do not have friends-never have and i doubt i ever will. I have no clue what my problem is.

High school was rough. People were cliquey, exclusive and artificial but i had no specific friends. I was a lucky go fellow. I was friends with people from every clique and by doing this i never gave anyone the chance to get to know me better. People began to think i was anti social, and because i hardly raised a smile-most thought i was snobbish and rude. But then how many people can i possibly go around telling that i don't smile because i'm conscious of my teeth? Or that the frown is there to keep people from talking to me-I am way too shy-because i couldn't talk to anyone?

University gave me my first real taste of what it meant to have friends, but by year 2 i had fallen out with them after it turned out that one of the girls i considered my closest friend slept with the guy they all knew i was head over heels in lust with. Everyone of them acted like nothing happened. I certainly couldn't understand it but that little voice in my head was there to remind me that there was a reason i chose not to mix with women or become close to them. By year three i had a new friend and we remained close and even became room mates in law school. People called us best friends and it was nice to be able to gossip about people with someone else for once. But yet again, we fell apart and i had to wonder what the fucking point was of being friends with any freaking person.

My dad's death opened my eyes to alot of things and those people that i never expected where the ones who were there for me. I was humbled and touched beyond all reasonable doubt. I was the girl who would go out of her way to do anything for those i liked. But he dies and all these people are no where to be found. I never asked for anything back all those times i had to break my back, but the one time in my life i needed one of them to say "Phury its gonna be okay", they were not there. Now people look at me and say i've changed. The fuck did you expect? That i wouldn't change? That life had not taught me a good ol' lesson or that i wasn't smarter? Its now do unto me as you wish i should do unto you. The word friendship is more overrated than the phrase 'good sex'. So what if i looked for other things to occupy my mind? Books, writing, rock music, gyming and work were more trust worthy and reliable than most humans put together. I cut off my social life totally and over time the only people i could call my friends were guys-three of them as a matter of fact. LA,TI and CIN. I cannot begin to explain the time, patience, dedication, love, advise, sense of belonging, laughter and encouragement that these three guys have given me over the years.

I've succeeded in erecting steel walls to protect myself from people. Its become so bad that meeting new people gives me a head ache. Sometimes i feel faint and light headed when i'm in the midst of people i don't know. Automatically my face turns into a frown and the twinkle leaves my eyes, then it feels like I'm bothering them. I'm the only sibling in my family who's never and i repeat NEVER had a friend sleep over at mine. I feel like a complete outcast at times. I'm beginning to believe that i was born to be a loner. This is weird because i was voted most sociable girl in my law class. But I've also learned to embrace me. Forget conformity, forget trying to please others. I'm looking for GOOD people to surround myself with. Maybe i don't fit in because I'm unique and i march to the beat of a different drummer.

I used to be an extrovert and now i think i'm an introvert. I used to have heaps of friends, know a lot of people, keep people intrigued and entertained. Now i don't have many friends, i don't even say hi to people i know unless i talk to them in my everyday life. I can't talk to people even when they approach me first or at getherings. I hate meeting people, being in large groups, shaking people's hands and introducing myself. I don't know, i feel lonely some times and i wish i had friends but i just feel like people don't understand me and i can't get along with them. I'd rather be alone in my own little world and its okay because every one knows me there. I don't need to talk to anybody or hang out with humans-just me, the vampires, wolves and high land warriors from my books.

An acquaintance recently told me i may have BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder). For those of you who wanna know more about it, please visit BPD for more information. To be perfectly honest, i have no friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. But NO you're not weird. I AM.

Phury's Competition

2011-05-30T20:53:00.001+01:00

Hello People.... Its quite simple. All you have to do is answer the question correctly, and you win a hundred US Dollars. Please leave your e-mail address beside your answer in the comment section. Only followers of this blog can enter this competition. Closes 12pm on Tuesday the 31st May.

1. Which of my blog posts became a major turning point in my life?

Case of the Ex

2011-04-27T10:48:00.002+01:00

I broke up with my last boyfriend for one simple reason-He slept with his ex while we were dating. As crazy as it may sound, this happens to a lot of people. The forbidden Okafor's Law, always rearing its head making people feel that kpoxing their ex really doesn't matter as they already kpoxed before. I have no problem with people who do this-as long as you are not in a relationship at the time.

No one ever stops for one second in their selfish, lust filled haze to think about the other person. Hello!!! the guy/girl that your ex is currently dating. You know, that person he calls every night after he's fucked you to brazil and back, the same one he goes to the cinema with, travels with, the same one his family and friends know, yes-that same one he's blown you six degrees to the north off for. There is a reason this person is your ex. The stupidest things that we chics do is believe that great sex means that the guy is in love with us. He kpoxes you so good, you fail to notice that you broke up for a reason. Why oh why do the ex-es keep coming back like zombies?

Don't you just hate it when you spend a night at your man's house and past midnight his phone rings. Its the ex, crying that she misses her dad (who by the way died when she was 3 months old) and how she's alone and does he have time to talk? He looks over at you as if to say 'I'm sorry but i have to take this'. You lie there thinking 'WTF does she want at 1:30am in the morning? If you don't drop that phone it would be your funeral she will be attending tomorrow'. But you don't want to be the mad, over possessive, jealous, control freak of a girlfriend, so you swallow your objections and smile. He takes his call and you fume inside.

This trend continues and one day he's comforting her personally on a bed or she's the one doing the comforting after a huge fight between you and him. He gets up and tells her it was a mistake and that he loves you. The damage has been done though. He goes home and calls you, tells you he misses you and has been home all day with a fever. You go to see him and stay the night. The ex calls again that night and by now you're suspecting something. He gets up to leave the room this time and gives you the 'i have to take this call look' again, only this time you grab the phone and the following ensures:

You: Hello, who's this?

She: Erm... is this bloopah's phone?

You: Yeah...and you are

She: Can i speak to him?

You: It depends....about what?

She: Are you for real? please give the phone to the owner

You: Right now, i am the owner. You had your chance and you fucked it up. Look for someone else to tell your tales of woe to because from now on, we aren't buying your shit.

Or maybe a different Scenario.....

You: Don't you have a damn watch? I've had enough of your bullshit stories and pitiful excuses to call at 2am in the morning. If you're so lonely go and hug a transformer and end your miserable existence. He is with me now. Click!!!

Oh!! So many scenarios played out in my head whenever he answered her calls. Not once did i say "don't". Would it have made any difference? Should i have answered and told her to back off or should i have told him to back off? Of course i told him i was uncomfortable with the calls but did that stop him from sleeping with her? Not at all. We all have different ways of reacting to situations in our lives. I'm naturally not a very patient person but in relationships i try my best to be. Cheating on the other hand is something i can never ever condone. It just consumes the patient I've tried so desperately to hold on to. People say he's a guy, cheating is what they do. Booshit-yes-not bullshit. I bet none of those people actually know that women are more likely to cheat---some of us just choose not to. Or you think we don't have that ex who was actually better in bed than you? Negro please.

As i write this, I'm reminded of Elizabeth Taylor. I loved that woman but the whole she and Richard Burton's crap sent me into a frenzy. Yes they loved each other so much they married and divorced twice. This woman kept a letter from Burton on her bedside table for 27years and she had the freaking letter put in her coffin. 27 years! A letter from your ex husband? Are you insane? It made me feel sorry for Sally Hay. Oh! you don't know her? She was Burton's last wife, the one he lived with until his death. But of course the press rushed to interview Elizabeth even though they had been apart for years. When Elizabeth expressed a wish to be buried alongside her ex-husband, Sally had to buy the burial plot next to him.

For fucksake, someone should have told Elizabeth: Get a grip on your fucking life, he's maried to someone else and has been for years. Move the fuck on. Gosh!!!! I should have said that to my own ex-boyfriends ex. What a bloody joke....and yet people can't understand why i deliberately choose to remain single. Ex girlfriends are like a really bad case of herpes-you know they are there and they never go away.

PS: A friend's mother has been diagnosed with stageIII breast cancer. She needs $60,000 for the operation to remove her left breast. I lost my dad to cancer so i know how this must hurt for this family. Please visit www.wepay.com/donate/92676 to read more and to donate any amount possible. Every little will help. Thank you.

Lifestlyes of the rich and famous

2011-03-29T14:52:00.000+01:00

When my father was alive, I thought he was Rich. After his death, I found out he was wealthy. Then i went through the Forbes list of Wealthiest people in the world and it clicked that he was indeed poor. I recall Brandon Davis attack on Lindsay Lohan. His exact words where "She has the stinkiest, sweatiest, orange vagina anyone has ever seen, she wants me to see it but it shits out freckles, and smells like diarrhea. I think she's worth about Seven Million [dollars], which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel in new york. She is a fire crotch with a clitoris that is seven feet long.

Seven Million dollars???? And she's poor? It got me thinking of the kind of wedding and life style i would lead if money was not an issue. So, i did a little research. Before you continue, be warned that the following statistics may lead to permanent depression amounting to a very lengthy stay in yaba left.

10. Donald Trump and Melanie Knauss

I recall an interview Melanie gave where she spoke about the early stages of her relationship with Trump. He was on the phone with a friend of his who asked if she had cellulite. Trumps reply was "Cellulite? She doesn't know the meaning of the word". They wed on January 22 2005. The cake (Grand Mariner) weighed 200lbs and the brides dress alone cost $200,000 with a 13 foot train, 1500 Rhinestones and pearls all weighing 60lbs. Tony Bennett and Billy Joel entertained guests which included Bill and Hillary Clinton, Shaq, Rudy Giulaini and Katie Couric. Total cost of the wedding was $1,000,000,000 (One Million Dollars)

9. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

I love Tom Cruise but i'm not a fan of Scientology. When these two got together i was worried for katie. Anyways, they got married November 18 2006 in Italy at the 15th century Odescalchi Castle. The bridal party attire was designed by Georgio Armani whilst Andrea Bocelli performed at the ceremony. Total cost was $2,000,000,000 (Two Million Dollars)

8. Arun Nayar and Elizabeth Hurley

I love this couple. They wed on the Wednesday 2nd March 2007 in an eight day celebration spanning Europe and Asia. These included being married in Sudeley Castle in Gloucestshire, Britain, the Umaid Bhawan Palace, Jodphur India. Elizabeth was given away by Sir Elton John. Other guest included Elle Macpherson, Donatella Versace and Evelyn Lauder. Total cost was $2,500,000 (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) and the wedding officially broke up early this year.

7. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills

I always thought they made an odd couple but i was so thrilled to see him happy after losing his wife to cancer. They were married on the 11th of June 2002 in Glaslough England in a ceremony witnessed by 300 guests. This was followed by fireworks, a pageant and a mad feast. Their wedding night was spent on a $20million yacht. The total cost of the wedding was $3Million, whilst their divorce cost even more at $50Million.

6. Liza Minelli and David Guest

These two remind me of the Adam's family-especially David. Married on March 16th 2002 at Manhattan's Collegiate church. Over 850 guests including Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Natalie Cole who sang unforgettable were in attendance. The 12 tier cake was 6ft tall and cost $40k, whilst more than $70k was spent on flowers alone. Total cost of the wedding was $3.5Million. Alas, the wedding didn't last more than a year and they divorced in 2003.

5. Delphine Arnault and Allessandro Vallarino Gancia

Delphine, the daughter of French business man Bernard Arnault married Allessandro Gancia of the Gancia wine dynasty on September 24 2005 at the Roman Catholic Cathédrale Saint-Jean-Baptiste de Bazas in Gironde. The reception was held in a transparent tent and winery was provided by Arnault's LVMH known for its $100k bottles of wine. Her gown was designed by John Galliano for Christian Dior and took 1,300hours to make. The reception took place at Château d'Yquem, in Bordeaux. The venue was decorated with 5000 white roses. Guests included Elizabeth Hurley, John Galliano, Bernadette Chirac,former French first lady, Karl Lagerfield, Glenda Bailey manager of Harper's Bazaar. The current French president Nicolas Sarkozy joined them for dinner in the castle of Yquem. The total cost of the wedding was over $7Million.

4. Wayne Rooney and Collen Mclaughlin

These two wed in Portofino Italy on the 12th June 2008. The wedding turned into a four day party on a yacht with 64 guests flown in on five private jets. The wedding was simple in that they served pizza at the reception but all other things like the bride's dress by Marchesa cost $3Million added up. Total cost of the wedding was $15Million, $5Million of which they got back through a deal with OK Magazine, giving them exclusive rights to cover the wedding.

3. Vikram Chatwal and Priya Sachdev

Son of New York Hotelier married actress Priya in February 18 2006 in a 10 day celebration across Mumbai, Udaipur and Delhi. 600 guests from 26 countries were flown in on private jets. Guests included Bill Clinton, Naomi Campbell and P.diddy. Estimated cost of the wedding was $20Million.

2. Aleksandra Kokotovic and Andrei Melnichenko

Whitney Houston and Christina Aguilera were both flown in on private jets to perform as Russian Billionaire Andrei Melnichenko and former Miss Yugoslavia Aleksandra wed. They were paid a staggering sum of $3.6Million each. Julio and Enrique Iglesias also performed. The affair was so over the top that rumours circulated that Melnichenko had a russian chapel dismantled, shipped and rebuilt in France.

1. Seemanto & Chandni AND Sushanto & Richa

Both weddings cost $128Million. The father os the grooms is Industrialist Subrata Roy of Sahara. The weddings both took place on the 14th of February 2004 in India. There were 10,000 guests.

As part of the festivities more than 40,000 beggars were distributed edibles across the country. The dinner had 110 types of dishes that included Indian, Mexican, Italian, Mongolian, Lebanese, Chinese, and American. 121 musicians from the British Symphony Orchestra performed across 20 Hindi overlay and patriotic songs

Phew!!!!!! My top two favourites are

2. Vanisha Mittal and Amit Bhatia

The world's fifth richest man, Indian steel Magnate Lakshmi Mittal gave out his daughter to investment banker Amit Bhatia. The family sent out 20-page invitations in silver boxes. Mittal put up 1000 guests in a five star Paris hotel for the five day affairs. One night there was a party at Versailles, another at a wooden castle temporarily erected for this wedding in Parc de Saint-Cloud. The wedding itself took place at Vaux Le Vicomte, a 17th century chateau in france on November 18 20026. There was also 100 different dishes prepared by a top Calcutta chef and a wine tab of $1.5Million. The total cost of the wedding was $60Million and has been honoured by Forbes as one of the most expensive weddings ever recorded. Vanisha is the No1 Billionaire Heiress in the world according to Forbes Magazine.

1. Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum and Princess Salama

This wedding has been mentioned in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most expensive wedding ever recorded. It took place in 1981 and cost $44.5 Million ($100Million in today's dollars). An amphitheater was built specifically for the 7 day event and was large enough to accommodate their 20,000 guests. 50 Arab and African song-and-dance troupes paraded before the princes, emirs, sheiks and ambassadors who had been flown in on 34 private jets. One of the performer’s who sang a song that was specially written for the couple was awarded a bright red 1981 Mercedes. Bride Salama followed a strict Bedouin tradition and spent the duration of her week long wedding celebration, cloistered in her room.

*sigh*....I don't know what to do with my life again. I'm so confused with everything i have now.

Tall Glass of Water

2011-02-28T11:39:00.000+01:00

The issue of my height has plagued me for as long as i can remember. I'm 6feet and i love my heels but recently resolved to buying 2 inch heels. The reason behind this was that everyone complained that i was too tall and that guys were intimidated by my height. I come from a family of tall people so i was welcome in my own home. After a while, amusement made way for anger. Who the hell was any guy to tell me not to wear heels? And fuck you to those who are too intimidated to come talk to me even when I'm wearing flip flops. After too much of my complaints, my good friend Zhou Enlai decided to write the article below based on his own experiences with tall women........

The first girl I kissed was 5’6”

The first one I slept with was 5’4”

I guess it was a trend.

I’m about 5’10” so it stands to reason.

I like ‘em shorter…petite even.

Then I met the first girl I fell in love with…she was 6ft

Taller than me? Certainly. All long-legged goodness of her…

But this isn’t really about her

The following scenario might have happened…but then again it might not have happened, either way, it helps my writing…

The scene is a dimly lit lounge…Music in the background.Drinks flowing freely. This amazon queen decided to complete her “come-hither” look with a pair of cherry red fuck-me heels…and she was working the shit out of them. Ebony skin. Wet lips. Acres of leg. She was about 6’1 barefoot. In those heels? I shudder to think. Almost every man was looking at her as she crossed the room. The rest were gay. There was one of those Hennessey-sipping gentlemen that she fancied, and she sidled up to the bar to wait for him to notice her.

He did.

But his fuck up was almost immediate. Instead of composing himself, swallowing his drool, and approaching her like a proper hunter, he tossed back his drink and sauntered over with a leer on his face.

“Why are you wearing heels?”

I don’t have the master-list of things NEVER to say to a woman in a bar…but I’m almost positive that one was on there. He was wondering why she wore heels cuz then he had to look up at her.

He didn’t like it.

So much so that he ignored her dress, the exposed skin, the curves.. The look of lust in her eyes that was dying slowly. He wasn’t going to fuck her that night.

Maybe never.

It made me wonder why men are so intimidated by women who are taller than they are.

Personally I’ve never had that problem.I remember meeting my friend’s ex last year. She was already gorgeous, high cheekbones, DSL, and a body that could stop traffic.

I didn’t realize how tall she was until she was walking towards me one Sunday morning in the middle aisle of a church. I have long since prayed for forgiveness for my one single thought:

“I’d climb her tree”

Maybe most men like to feel dominant when they’re with their woman. They want to tower over her. They want to be able to pick her up and throw her around in the bedroom or out of it. Maybe they find it harder to cuddle with a taller woman. Although I have to ask why anyone wouldn’t want long delicious legs wrapped all around them…idiots.

Or maybe they feel doomed from jump. “There’s NO WAY she’d be remotely interested”

Well mutherfucker find out. She could be looking at your short ass with abject curiosity.

Or maybe her last 3 Goliaths treated her like shit and she needs something different.

Maybe her mama told her that short men are the way to go.

Its 2011.

Get with a taller woman.

You won’t regret it.

Bikinis, Briefs and Arsenal

2011-02-21T00:34:00.000+01:00

It is the 16th of February, time is 9pm and I'm watching the Arsenal vs Barcelona game. The anger and frustration i feel is worse than having sex with a 3 feet midget whose penis is two inches and reeks of an Indian urinary during mango season. Nauseating is the word. David Villa has just scored a goal for Barca as Gael Clichy looked on like a supermodel on a freaking runway show. Butter flies in my stomach screaming for me to take a shit...The only words leaving my mouth at this time are Oh shit!! Oh fuck!! What the hell?? The venue is Play Abuja and I'm surrounded by Manure and Chelski fans. Messi scores a second goal but its ruled offside. What the blistering blisters is happening at the Emirates? The referee is a fucking cunt. Yeah i said it-cunt cunt cunt.

Its 78 minutes into the second half when RVP scores the equaliser. The excitement is maddening and i find myself screaming "Arsenal's gonna win"... Game on and as i take my sit, i'm more nervous than my first sexual experience. Walcott and Song make way for Arshavin and Bendtner. The former scores our second goal and the place erupts strangers kissing each other whilst i jumped up and down mindless of the cute male Barcelona supporters on my right. Biting my fingers, i prayed that arsenal wouldn't lose their lead. Game over-i put on my Beats by Dre earphones and turned up the music on my black berry to the loudest. The song i'm listening to is Miranda Lambert's "House that built me".

Vampire prince and tattoo man are both Barcelona fans but i see no updates from them. Mikhail is an Arsenal fan and we talk for while. He likes to use the phrase 'if you say so'- a phrase i use a lot when I'm not in the mood for chitchat. I find it annoying when he uses it and it seems to amuse him. So i told him that he's annoying and he asked how? I said he acts like a dick sometimes to which he replied thank you and that was that. As in, I don't understand this guy. I like Mikhail as a person, i love his eyes and the fact that he's always ready to listen to me and render advice, but that's as far as it goes. Its true that i almost fancied him once, but not anymore. Now i ask myself why i bother trying to maintain a friendship with him. He's bloody exasperating. I even teased him once about hooking me up with his brother and he refused. I think he purposely tries to piss me off or maybe he thinks i fancy him. Either way, I'm keeping my distance from now on. Alas, i've gotten over my cougar crush on the 24 year old especially as he didn't holla me on Vals day but called on the 13th and 15th. What's so hard in wishing the girl you claim to like a happy vals day? I just don't get it. It is love day after all right??

Play had a second pool party which was madt. Finally met double e (E.E) whom I'd been teasing on the play BB group about bidding for at the party. He's actually very cute and I had an instant two day crush on him. But then he seems strange, plus apart from the fact that he seems to be one of those guys intimidated by my height, i hear he fancies a friend of my close friend so that attraction kinda died fast. The pictures below should tell the story of how much fun we had in the water. Also, for those interested i never got my huge teddy on Valentines day, just a designer watch that i will gladly trade for a teddy. Tattoo man kissed me on Valentines day and i didn't try to push him away. I know i've gotten over my feelings for him so i'm gonna go with the fact that i was gragged.... Friday night was spent dancing as my money was stolen at the club. I went round offering people chewing gum, which was infact a shock machine. You pull it and it shocks the pants off you. Chatted with Deks and Q and assigned them the task of finding me a soul mate. I really like these two guys, they make me happy every time i see them. Very rare trait in humans.

My good friend CinBlack opened a new club called Taboo on the 19th in Wuse2 and we all attended to show support and love. I'd taken Zhou Enlai for lunch earlier that day and we chatted. He is very adorable, and later that night at tabooo he looked very cuddly and No-i do not have feelings for him. Although he invited me over to his hotel room for a chat....i politely declined. Cheeky bastard. lol. I've been told by a lot people that my height is intimidating, so i'm beginning to think no guy has the balls to come chat me up.Oh well!!! There's always the convent.

All photos are courtesy of my dear friend Alistair Englebert Preston

For Men have sinned.....

2011-02-10T10:40:00.000+01:00

"i promise i wont cum in your mouth..."

#FamousLies

#LiesMenTell

#LiesYouShouldntFallFor

#LiesToldDuringSex

The list goes on and on...

During one of the many trending topic jamborees on twitter, i came across the above quote and corresponding hashtag offering (take your pick) and was immediately intrigued.

Miss Phury who posted it, did so with such smug satisfaction that i had to browse her TL for "responses"

surprise surprise, there was little response from males. but her fellow crows descended upon that clarion call like it was the rotting carcass of their last boyfriends’ testicles.

the ensuing uproar made me ask just one simple question.

ladies. if you do not want him to cum in your mouth...then WHY oh WHY are you sucking his dick??

i liken a woman who gives blow jobs yet does not swallow to a bartender who pours you shots but only lets you smell them...and never drink. i mean come on...IS THAT NOT WHY WE ARE HERE?

sidebar:

i would hazard a guess that most of these penis-loathers LOVE getting head. but never pause to consider that the poor unsuspecting sap down there is actively sampling and consuming her feminine juices.

don't worry readers...he might be a sap but he only goes there one time.

this isn't really the issue though.

the issue is the women who get *mad* at a guy for coming in her mouth like its not something she should have considered beforehand regardless of what homeboy told her.

- bad boys

- married men

- wife-beaters/alcoholics/chronic cheaters

women like to ignore the signs before them and gravitate towards that which will leave them in a clusterfuck of massive proportions. but the cycle is only beginning. said female will bitch to all of her friends who will then carry her outrage on top of their heads like groundnut sellers and scheme to "fuck guys over"

how do they plan to do that you ask?

by actively seeking out those BAD men and teaching them a lesson.

somewhere in the midst of all that they hear a whispered promise that they cant' help but believe.

NB: Note that this Post was written by my dear friend Zhou Enlai who for reasons best known to him has chosen to protect his identity.

The Feast Of All Saints

2011-02-03T11:37:00.000+01:00

“Other women it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough"

The Saint Valentine that appears in various martyrologies in connection with February 14 is said to be either a priest in Rome, a bishop in Interamma or a martyr in the roman province of Africa. The first representation was a roman priest beheaded because he continued to marry young couples even though Claudius forbade it. Apparently Cladius was under the belief that married soldiers weren’t as good as single soldiers. It is said that his execution took place on February 14th.

Valentines day means different things to a lot of people, but for me, every time I think about it, the song that comes to mind is The Beatles ‘All we need is love’-although I quite prefer Lynden David Hall’s version. There’s that feeling that every thing is gonna be alright. I’m a 28 year old chic and believe it or not I’ve only ever been valed once. Hell it wasn’t even on the 14th and it was by my then boyfriend. Suffice to say, I’ve never had surprise gifts from admirers no matter how many times I wished for a large teddy bear nor been in a relationship when it was Valentine’s Day. I imagine I’m cursed or have some sort of demonic mark on my forehead putting off prospective Valers. Attending schools like Queen’s College and University of Lagos didn’t help matters either. If anything, February 14th was even more depressing.

Subconsciously I suppose that based on the experience of the people around me, I’ve tried not to make a big deal out of it. I remember a friend whose really massive cake turned out to be from Mr Biggs, A classmate in high school who got a box card that was Royal cards, a colleague who received black magic chocolates, a cousin whose boyfriend’s sister bought her a bottle of perfume and a box of cake because her boyfriend couldn’t be bothered. The crown of this issue would be my dearest friend who was proposed to during an Xmas holiday. On feb14 2009, her fiancé gave her a Hermés bag. A perfect gift for most women-except that he also gave the same thing to his other fiancée. This fool was engaged to another girl. I’m not even going to go into how both of them finally found out.

Ordinarily, Vals day should be about celebrating love and affection between intimate companions by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, sending greeting cards, having dinner or buying gifts blah blah blah. Please, forget all that bollocks. I don’t really care about how Valentines Day was invented or whether the Roman Catholic Church recognizes it. I don’t care that some people think it’s an exercise of hypocrisy whilst others feel it’s a scam likened to the Stock Market. It’s not my fault that we all tend to receive gifts that most of us can afford to buy ourselves. The truth of the matter is that most girls want gifts on this day just so that they can show it off to all their girlfriends. Why else would it make a difference if you received a box of Cadbury chocolates as opposed to Ferrere Roches? Why would it bother you if your man only just called to wish you a happy valentines day or took you to dinner instead of buying you a ‘gift’? The pressure to impress friends is insane and was much worse in high school. Nobody wanted to be the laughing stock of the class. It was all very superficial-totally defeating the real purpose of Valentine itself.

To me it’s always been a time of reflection, praying for life to witness another year. Okay, maybe not really, but I suppose it’s a part of it. In my head, I’m currently in a relationship and for once in a really really long time I’m actually looking forward to February 14. I’m yet to decide what to get for him but the gods be praised because his idea of valentine is everyday spent with me. Whilst I think that’s very cute, I’ve been dropping hints as to what I want. The top of my list would be a really huge teddy bear, even though I know that in reality I would rather watch a movie with him or read a book with my head on his thighs. Shouldn’t February 14 be like some sort of renewal of our love for each other? A special day for you and your significant other to bask in love and romance.

Lol.......I know I have issues but after all said and done, we all have our different perceptions but I’m sure most people would agree with me when I say that I still don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Love letters from a Cougar....

2010-12-29T17:14:00.001+01:00

He said he was 24 years old....and it gladdened my vagina.

I personally was oblivious to the term Cougar until I started watching the TV show with the same title. I have nothing against this term as I feel its more of an acknowledgement of our particular circumstances as opposed to our true characters. For a woman like me who has already experienced long term relationships with guys my age or older, I find myself back on the market alone with a lot of dreams and hopes crushed. So, I decided to take a good look at my life and figure out what I wanted in a man. I realized he had to be someone who would enjoy living an active fun life.

Over the past month, I’ve spent time with guys younger than I am. I’ve noticed that they embrace life with a passion, are appreciative of my talents, jokes, achievements and experiences. Its a stated fact that young men love older women because they have the sexual drive and know how and can still get it. Hence their hunger for experience makes them perfect for my imagination. So, what started as an adventure in careless fun with someone who was all of the above, led me to the awkward truth that I liked younger men simply because they were up to the challenge.

Please don’t get me wrong, sex aside, it’s the treatment that makes me happy. The puppy love thing without the stress, baggage and paranoia of a relationship with a battle-scarred older guy. I recall having this discussion with my friend Teddy Robskins and seeking his thought on my present predicament. This was new ground for me and I was so weary of taking that leap. He told me simply to be smart, have fun and give the guy a chance. My Aunty on the other hand assured me that he would cheat on me with someone younger the minute I looked away, whilst her friend said I would end up providing him with financial security.

To say I was shocked and flabbergasted by these statements would be softening the rage I felt at these people. Why does everyone feel so much animosity towards the older woman-young man relationship when no one seems to care that a 45 year old man can date an 18 year old girl? Like if I dated an older guy, wouldn’t he also cheat on me with a younger chic or even ask me for money? By Jupiter's Cock, doesn’t the fact that I’m happy and satisfied count or isn’t it the same penis that all men have? Its not my fault that I feel that younger men kiss and maybe kpox better and are willing to give you pleasure above theirs better than a lot of older men. Its worse as I've only just recently met someone i like but he's three years younger than i am.

I could go on and on about this issue and still feel a blanketed silence even from my damn heart. I would still be weary of stepping out with him, hanging with his friends or meeting his family. This is not because i don't want to but because society has made me feel that I'm committing a crime akin to sodomy by doing so. How many times have i told myself not to give a damn about society and its snobbish attitude. Yet I'm uncomfortable and i can't pinpoint the exact reason. I'm so deep in thought when my cook knocks on my bedroom door to tell me that 'he' is around. I experience a sudden loss of breath and my hands feel frozen. I become giddy with excitement and its like the anticipation of my first kiss which-- may i remind you-- turned out to be gross. I try to calm my racing heart as i walk to the bathroom mirror to check my face. I suppose its the letter i wrote to him last night that is making me nervous or could it be that I'm beginning to relieve my teenage experiences of being visited by a guy I really fancy. I bring out the letter I've written to him once again (the first of many yet to come) to be sure there are no grammatical errors. I go through it with a smirk on my face:

Hello You....

I like you and I think we should have sex.

Phury.

Why are you lot laughing? It took me the most of last night to compose that letter.What were you expecting? I'm not really a cougar as the term is commonly applied to women who are forty or older and either pursue younger men or men more than eight years younger than they are. I'm not thirty yet and these young men in question are between the ages of 24 and 26. Besides it so happens I'm the one being pursued. If there's anything I've learned in life its that whether you're happy or not, people will hate. So I'm just gonna let you haters do your job and tag this post as boring even though your sorry lives know its not. Having said that, wish me luck with my new experience. Let's do this

My Private Sin

2010-12-06T15:30:00.001+01:00

I love Lynxxx. I love him. I mean there's nothing in the world i like better, and that includes my writing, probably because I'm so very bad at it.
Monday 29th November
I'm at work and in a pretty cheerful mood. Everyone around me at work seems pissed as fuck but i cant be bothered. I'm tired of people reminding me how much I've changed and become withdrawn, so now i go around with this fuck you all stance. They hint shit at me on their black berry status and i do a Lil Kim 'black Friday' for them. Its my sister's call to bar on Wednesday. I have someone designing my outfit so i stop by to pick it. A married friend of mine tells me he's in love with me and I'm speechless. I make a list of things i would need to pack for my travels tomorrow. I'm also almost done reading 'The girl who played with fire' and can't wait to start with 'The girl who kicked the hornet's nest'.
Tuesday 30th November
I'm stuck up to my neck in work. I get irritated after a while and go through @sheriphskills blog. I smile as i read. This dude is a real character. I'm chinning my friend @vicenzo for not getting in touch with me when he came to gidi over the weekend. Hung out with my friend @droyoyo and two of her brothers. We ordered nkwobi but i took mine home with me, mouth watering all the way with anticipation. I get home to a deserted house as everyone has traveled for the Call to Bar tomorrow. I bring out my list of things to pack and i start doing so. When I'm done, i heat up the nkwobi in the micro-wave and i try to eat it. The pepper starts ripping my insides apart, so i drop the whole thing. I notice i have a contact missing and i kinda guess who it is-my guess turns out correct when my ex's name doesnt appear in search. I send him a text to ask if he deleted me from his bb and he denies doing so, giving me some cock and bull story. "yawn".. goodnight
Wednesday 1st December
I leave my house as early as 6am as i have a flight to catch. The ceremony starts at 10am and my flight is 8. The queue is mad so i ask how much it would cost for me to be upgraded to a business class ticket. They take my reference number and check the system but regretfully tell me that my mom (who bought my ticket) did so with her miles, hence i can't upgrade. A male staff there asks for my card and i give him thinking he wants to assist me. By the end of the day, he's called me 16 times...yeah..there were voice messages and two text messages to that effect. i get to Abuja at about 10:30 because the flight was a bit delayed. I meet Charles at the airport and we leave for Bwari together. My mom, and other siblings are there. We're so proud of my sister, but yet there's a sad atmosphere. My dad is missing from amongst us but we know he's freaking proud of her too. We take pictures as we talk about some girl in her Louboutin shoes whose car is parked by ours and my brothers wonder if she'll be at play tomorrow night...*smh* then we leave for home. The caterers are already hard at work setting up, while we help with arranging furniture. My sister has opted for a barbecue instead of a dinner. By 8:30, the place is packed. Tattoo man shows up and i managed to avoid him for most of the night. Mikhail on the other hand was not so easy as he came over to where i was chatting with a friend. We chatted for quite a bit and it surprised me that i was happy to see him. Vampire prince also showed up and spent the night talking to some girl who looked like she'd been electrocuted. Oka, i met tonight through my cousin. My family has been urging me to take more chances with the opposite sex so hours after the introduction,i asked him if he was okay but he held unto my wrist and told me how he's been trying to meet me for the past two weeks. I ended up chatting with him till about 1am, but my gaze kept flicking through all the other cuties. My ex sends me a message to say he deleted me as he was tired of watching me live my life, a life that he wasn't part of. I didn't bother replying. Fuck you all stance in mode here. Goodnight abeg...
Thursday 2nd December
Went to the Hilton to get my Arik ticket, some guy came up to talk to me and asked if i was a model. Told me he was a popular Nollywood actor and was once voted Mr Handsome. Handsome in who's category-Daddy Showkey and Taribo West? He asked what my name was and i said Phury. Fool went ahead to ask what i did for a living and i told him i was a stripper..i moved away when he opened his mouth to speak. Stopped at the bank and then the salon to get my hair ready for tonight. Got home and started having itchy throat. This is usually the first sign that I'm about to catch a cold.
Three hours later and i tweet about my rising temperature and itchy throat. I get 19 mentions from followers advising me on medications to take. My ex-crush recommends Bactrim Forte and Vitamin C and tells me to get some rest. How can i rest? I've got BYOB in a couple of hours and i can hardly breathe.
12:53am
I get to Play and i see some of my twitter peoples. I hear oka is looking for me. I see him some time later and we chat for a little bit. He introduces me to his friends. One of them is the guy i talked about in my last post who has a girlfriend. Small world. He looks nice and he wasn't kidding about being shy. We went to Cafe 24 to chat and i find out he's two years younger than i am. Unbelievable. It's Teddy Robskin's birthday and he's popping champas. The whole place is jam packed. Miss Loubotin was there with her friends. I danced with vampire prince and just generally had a great time. Mikhail didn't show.
Friday 3rd December
I take out my hair extensions and Oka comes to see me at home before i leave for the airport. He promises to keep in touch. I'm off to calabar for the opening of Play and he's off to Lagos for a wedding. I get to the international airport and there's chaos every where. It turns out that the lady who sold my ticket put 2nd as opposed to 3rd. Luckily for Arik, my teller specifically shows that i asked for the 3rd. I collect my boarding pass and go to seat with my friend chinwe when we notice a group of about 8 guys on a queue staring at first. Turns out they were on our flight and in the same hotel. Oka calls to make sure i got in safe. He does this a couple of times today.
Play's opening here is crazy. Artistes like Show Dem Camp, Rilwan, Bush, Jesse Jagz, Ice Prince and Lynxxx the Sin were in the building. I almost fainted when Lynxx said hello to me. How is it that this bloke gets hotter with age? He's like a perfect marble stature. I'm still morosed when someone tapped me. It was one of the guys from the airport. He apologised for staring at me earlier and i pretended not to understand what he was on about. We talked and i wasn't feeling the conversation. Let's just call him airport guy. When Lynxx took the mike and came towards where we were dancing, every one sang into it, when it was my turn i shook my head and froze. I AM SO PATHETIC. Airport guy found it amusing. He tried to chat me up again and this time i listened. Don't ask me why
Saturday 4th December
I wake up feeling worse than ever. Not only is my nose blocked and i can't breathe, but i'm running a temperature, my head is splitting and i feel like talking to Mikhail. So i sent him a text and he called me back almost immediately. He made me laugh so hard i forgot my discomfort for a bit. I felt itchy and decided to go down to the pool for a swim, which is obviously a huge NO NO as i was having a cold. My sisters, a couple of friends and I went down to the pool. Mikhail called again while i was in the pool, and i was grinning like a fool when i saw his missed call. The guys from the airport were there with two of my family friends who came over to chat with us. Next thing all the others moved to where we were, soon it had turned into a party as other people joined us. I swam with airport guy while @nobsdaslushkid was taking pictures. At one time i noticed him and my sister making kissing faces while i chatted with airport guy in the pool. So blame them for putting that idea in my head.The kiss in question happened some hours later. What was i to do abeg? I was there, so where his lips... and me being the serial kisser that i am, it was too great a temptation. The weird part was that i had my eyes closed the whole time. Then i found out he was four years younger than me. So i smiled and kissed him again. BUT, when he started talking about a possible friendship i had to confess that serial kissing was what i did, and did not necessarily mean that i liked the person. M.I came to play that night. good times.
Sunday 5th December
Time to head back to reality. Changed my 11:15am flight to 5:40pm so i could spend some more time with airport guy. I like his kisses, but i was feeling like a cougar. Not sure that's good. While at the airport Mikhail calls me to say he just got into abj and to call him when i board. But i forgot. Had breakfast with Toms, LD, my sister and two of her friends at the hotel's restaurant. Time to leave Calabar and Lynxx happens to be on my flight. I bet he thinks I'm retarded now so i stay as far away as possible from him. Flight is delayed by almost an hour and i get bored of reading. So i boot up my laptop and start watching Blade of the Immortal-an anime. Oka and airport guy are bbing me to find out how i am. Oka calls me a couple of times. Touch down Lagos and we hear that PLAY just picked up an award at the FAB Magazine Night out show for Best Club in Nigeria. Big ups to you guys. Mikhail calls me at 11pm but I'm in the bathroom, and I'm too tired to call him back so i pass out on the bed. I've got work tomorrow.... facking bollocks.

My Brothers Friend-A Taboo

2010-10-13T15:09:00.001+01:00

"I've asked several people, and they said dating a brother's friend never works out"

I've got three wonderful, good looking and successful brothers. The reason i know this is because most people want to be associated with them, chicks are always trying to get with them and they are wonderful because i love them. They're like the coolest set of peeps you wanna hang with all the time. Now, i have my brother's and i have "their friends". You know, the ones you call your brother from another mother but deep down you wanna just get them in a dark corner and misbehave badly. But there's always a stumbling block-the friendship.

For as long as i can remember I've always had a crush on my elder brother's friends. The most annoying part was that they hardly noticed me which was very embarrassing. I'd go to class the next day and gist all my friends about the latest one and it seemed everyone around me was crushing on their brothers friends too. High school used to be so much fun then. We had no care in the world, all our parents wanted was for us to get good grades and like every other girl i assumed the brothers friend thing was a phase that would soon pass but it wasn't to be because in university i continued liking my brothers friends. I remember he called me one day to ~~warn~~ advice me about guys and i proceeded to tell him i liked his friend at that time and he just smiled, said he was a good guy but didn't want me getting involved with him. I was quite confused as i didn't exactly understand what that phrase meant. You cannot dangle bacon in front of a starved lioness and expect her not to tear it apart. This continued for a while, every time i liked one of his friends he'd ask me to give it up. It was also disgusting that these so-called friends who threw the green light would chicken whenever my bro was around. It was extremely annoying. So i find myself asking the same question over and over again-Is it bad to like one of your brother's friends? And if so why does it bother me beyond reasonable doubt just thinking about it alone?

To be honest i think what usually bothers me is the fact that this guy is my brother's friend first, and then my possible boyfriend--second. I feel like because he is friends with my brother, which is how i came to know him in the first place-through my brother-that i have to honour this relationship that the two guys have first. I know its a good instinct to live by, but he's my brother's friend and i want to be more than friends with my brother's friend. *sigh*. Is it possible for both things to happen? Can i and my brother's friend date? Can't my brother's friend and my brother be buddies and my brother and i siblings? Gosh this is beginning to sound like an episode from days of our lives.

The most sensible thing to do in such situation would be to talk to my brother first and tell him that i like his friend. But then do i need to ask my brother's permission to date his friend? My brother doesn't own his friend and he doesn't own me. But i suppose the point of talking to him is to share my feelings and grow closer to him in the process. I see it as offering my bro a chance to tell me how he feels--about me, his friend--and maybe hopefully a friend of mine that he might happen to like. As much as this might be an adventure, what if it backfires? Suppose he gets angry at me for liking his friend, or maybe i become scared that he'll keep him away from me. I also have to be smart and realise that my brother may know things about this guy that i don't, and is just feeling protective of me. Shouldn't i respect him for wanting to take of me? He may know that this guy has a girl already-or that he has a history of cheating or violence on women. Guys tend to misyarn about chics and no guy wants to hear his friend bragging that his latest statistic is his sister. He may have information about this guy that is valuable to me, so i could just listen and then make my own decision.

Kehinde who is spending the night at mine goes ahead to tell me her story. I suppose it was meant to help me make up my mind but if anything it made me feel worse. Kehinde and her brother are twins and y'all know how close twins are. She used to hang out with him a lot and became good friends with a lot of his friends and vice versa. She was always careful and tried not to date his friends. But two years ago a friend of his asked her out and she accepted. They were really into each other and her bro didn't seem to mind. Sadly they ended up having some problems and he broke up with her. Yes, the break up was horrible, but what made her see red was that taiwo brought him over to their house a few times after the break up. She still feels like she would have gotten over the break up sooner if her ex had stopped popping in and out of the house-even going as far as bringing his new girlfriend over which used to upset the shit out of her. Every time situations like that happened she would get upset at her brother. Its true they've been friends long before she dated her ex, but it was killing her to see her ex. Why the hell couldn't her bro see that and take her side, after all its the job of a brother to protect and care for his sister. This obviously put a big dent in their relationship.

I was shocked because this obviously has to do with loyalties. If a guy should hurt me in anyway, my brother would be stuck in the middle between keeping his friend or defending me. Also, if it works out well, my brother will lose time with his friend because when that friend comes over, it will be either just I and him, he and my bro, or all three of us. Someone is going to have to be left out.

I really should straighten things out with my brother, and take the time to figure out what i want from this guy and what he's offering. The honest truth is that guys will make out with you because they can. Older men sleep with younger women because they can. It doesn't mean they like you and want to have a relationship with you. It just means that they like making out with you or having sex. There's a massive difference. It always makes more sense to back off and let him make the first move. If you already kissed him he probably knows you like him-except in my case where everyone knows I'm a serial kisser just in search of the perfect kiss. If he wants a relationship with you let him call you and ask you out on a date. In the mean time have fun with your friends as guys love girls who have a good attitude, confidence and lead an interesting life.

Finally, I also have to be prepared for other guys to like me. With a positive attitude I'll be the price they will all have to fight over and win. My brother says guys like to do this. They like to feel like they've won a great girl-and that's exactly who I am, and who I will be the more I focus on making myself the best I can. I am sexy and fabolous. But erm... i still like three of my brother's friends sha. Chai. This is effed..

The Voice of Reason

2010-10-08T11:30:00.001+01:00

"Honest to God i will break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart."

I'm listening to 30 seconds from Mars on my black berry as i write this post. The title of the song is Night of the hunter and the words are quite angry which is how I'm feeling. It got me thinking about a lot of things like life, love, men marriage, happiness, death, love.... Did i mention that already? I've heard that love makes you do crazy things. They say it blinds you, makes you vulnerable and humble etc but not once have i understood why. Is it love that forces the catholic priest to sodomise altar boys? Is it love for God that motivates suicide bombers and insurgents? The same love that makes a man beat a woman? Love means marrying four wives? Oh yeah, love for supremacy that has Countries fighting each other or maybe love for our country that brings out the likes of IBB to contest for elections and allows MEND to take the lives of innocent people. God forbid. This means I've never been in love before and if that is what love feels like, i sure as hell don't want a piece of that bullshit.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying i haven't done crazy things in my life. After all i like to stuff the toilet bowl with tissue paper before i poo so that water from the toilet doesn't splash back into my buttocks. I'm vulnerable during sex. I enjoy writing, reading, dancing, and now tweeting. I love traveling to Abuja every chance i get and the independence break was no exception.

I left for the airport at 3pm on Thursday and got there to meet my flight already boarding. My mom's PA already checked me in so i ran straight to the boarding gates. The scanner showed my manicure set and they said i had to go and check it in. I looked at the lady like she was on cheap drugs. Are you fucking kidding me? They're flipping boarding already which means my luggage(if i had any) would be on the damn plane. Had to call my mom's PA back to plead with him to help retrieve the set from those jaba wockies. The flight which was supposed to leave at 5:10 took off at 5:30.I began to read Damien,my Jacquelyn Frank book as we ascended. Minutes later the pilot announced our descent into Abuja and that's when it all began. It was like 6:20 at this time but the skies were pitch black and there were lightning flashes all around us.Turned out it was raining heavily. Soon enough the plane began to vibrate badly and then just like that it dropped for about 3 seconds. The guy next to me let out a blood curdling scream and started shouting and pleading the blood of Jesus. I couldn't believe it. This guy had had a Chazbi praying bead around his wrist. There were mutterings all around the plane as i closed my eyes and said a prayer.The whole thing felt like a battle between Thor and Hulk. Babies crying, people gripping their hand rests tightly. Someone in Business class threw up. We finally landed abj to an applause from the passengers and our calculated flight time was an hour 57 minutes. They mercilessly teased the guy who sat beside me. Nothing was gonna dull my spirit-though.I was looking forward to Play's BYOB.

The airport was filled with cheesy independence decorations. Got home and slept for a bit.Got to BYOB all the while texting Sylar. Oh snap!!! my bad. He's someone i met on twitter, exchanged pins with and the rest is history. Have you wanted so badly to romance someone you've never met? That's how i feel about this bloke-he looks like he's going to be one of those gentle lovers. He's got amazing shoulders,good biceps and a full hair on his head. Plus...he makes me laugh, reads me well and knows my moods. I wake up in the morning, every morning with a 'hey' from him and a constant smile on my face when we're chatting. But trust me, I'm fighting the feelings i should be having for him.

BYOB and I'm at the DJ booth with Charles and LB of Play. I'm standing on a sofa in my bare feet dancing to Mr Endowed when tattoo man walks in through the barricade. i looked away immediately and acted like i didn't even know he was there, even as far as feigning surprise when he finally touched my arm to say hello. I smiled and looked at him and said "Wow you look so different" to which he asked "how?". His eyes looked like they were laughing and daring me to say or do something-but i didn't. Went downstairs to Cafe24 for a sandwich and met my sister and her friends there. They are all doctors and so began to talk about cases they had seen in the hospital. And i thought the surgeries on DR.90210 were gory. One of them began to tell us a story about this guy that had been on her case. The story goes thus.

"On their way to grab dinner one fateful evening, she was sat directly behind him in the car whilst the driver drove. During the course of their conversation she reached forward and began to play first with his cheek and when she moved down to his neck, she just froze. Right there all over his neck were multiple lympadenopathy also known in layman's English as swollen lymph nodes. She shrieked and took her hands off explaining that she'd suddenly bumped her head on the head rest. For those of you who are still confused, swollen lymph nodes of that nature usually mean that the person is HIV positive or has some chronic illness of some sort."

Tattoo man came to my house the next day and i finally got my first good look at him in daylight. He was nothing compared to my Vampire Prince and i wasn't impressed when he actually strung his words together. It felt like my fantasy had been destroyed. It seemed way better when his sentences were few. Plus he went outside and started puffing on a cigarette and ya'll know how much i hate cigars. Lets hope i and him can be friends, if not too bad. I walked up the stairs angry as hell for having my fantasy destroyed yet again when i got a call from my mom who was in Lagos asking if there had been bomb blasts at Eagles square. So i called my friend Amara to verify and was saddened to hear that there had actually been a blast near there and lives had been lost. MEND wasn't mending shit. Muthafuckers were taking innocent lives for a stupid cause. It was more scary seeing the pictures of some of the victims on twitter and hearing about the delayed medical response.

I went to bed that night crying like a bush baby. I cried for everyone i had lost. I cried for my father, and then for my country. Didn't even know when i picked up the phone and called vampire prince. But his usually calm voice didn't help me. I was sobbing so uncontrollably and told him i would call him back. There was a bb message from Sylar already and as i replied, i began to lay out my problems for him....and just like that my crying began to subside... and that stupid smile was back on my face. Now how exactly did i start my post with Love and end up here with Sylar?

All Black Everything-and Omawunmi's attitude

2010-09-15T17:07:00.001+01:00

I spent my Sallah break in Abuja. Play and Slu....ssh were doing another All Black Everything collabo. I'd never been to the previous ABE's so my excitement was building seriously. To top it off, there was gonna be a pool party at a secret location and so i was really rearing to go. I've been hitting the gym since may in preparation for my trip to Vegas, so my abs were looking promising. Girls were definately not smiling.

I and my sister got into Abuja and drove straight to the house. Scattered on the dining table were international passports. On closer inspection i found out that they were actually invitation cards for the ABE party. I could not believe it......major effizy.

We all assembled at PLAY by 3pm as was stated on the invite. The convoy left at about 4pm and you could tell the air was thick with excitement. We got to asokoro and everything was set up. There were small chops, barbeques, alcohol, drinks, water guns, inflatable beds, volley ball water court and balls. Elvis and a couple of his friends were already there with large water guns and they turned it on the guests. About four of us stripped down to our bikinis and drove into the pool. At first people were being cautious or maybe they were just forming. There were chics in high heeled shoes and i simply could not understand that mentality. I mean, its a freaking pool party and you're most certain to be thrown in the water -make up, fake eyelashes, gold jewelry,shoes and all. It wasn't until the organisers started to throw people in the pool that the party got well on its way. @nobsdaslushhkid was one of the first to be thrown in and he quickly joined my team and became our captain. It took only about 20 minutes for the pool to become packed as the ladies finally stripped to their swimsuits and the guys to their shorts.

This pool sturvvs was turning out to be the maddest i'd ever been to. There were so many good looking guys. I was still scoping one when i heard ''incoming'' and felt a large splash behind me. Some girls squealed and swam away but i turned and all i saw was tattoo and nipples plus the nicest lips I've seen on an ordinary face. This dude had presence. I kept looking at him as he swam over and joined the opposing team. Someone on my team had to throw a tiny ball at my head. Who was this guy? It was weird because crush 5, my vampire prince was at this party but i didn't even send him,to make matters worse i saved him from drowning when he was thrown in the pool. *smirks*

I looked and saw my dear friend SD on the other side, so i got out of the pool to talk to him. SD is one of the few guys that i love talking to and he's so comfortable to be around. I actually noticed his eye lashes for the first time too. Banky W, Lynxx, Timi Dakolo, etc were all there. Now don't get me started on Lynxxx. He is absolutely goo-freaking-looking. I won't do anything to him-just stare at him for hours and hours. Okay, maybe bite his neck or nip his ear buds. Everyone was having so much fun, none of us wanted to fade. Charles of PLAY had to plead with everyone to please leave as there was still ABE later that night. Finally, at about 8:40 pm, everyone started to fade-albeit reluctantly.

ALL BLACK EVERYTHING
I ran to Victor's in maitama and quickly got my hair washed and permed. By this time my eyes were swollen red and itching the fuck out of me. Tears just flowed down my eyes and when i closed them i wanted to scream. I had water running out my nose throughout and i looked like a dehydrated crack addict suffering the jitters. I get home and i go to bed swearing that i won't make it to the party. But at 12:06 I find myself at play-swollen eyes and all. There's a massive crowd outside but we're given the VIP treatment. Inside, i meet a couple of the people i'm following on twitter. Banky W, Waje, Whizkid, Rilwan, Lynxxx, Timi Dakolo are some of the artistes in the house. The place is packed as hell and the D.J was on point.

Now this is the amusing bit. I escorted my dear friend nobs downstairs when he was told that Omawunmi had been bounced for three reasons. The first was that she had no invitation card, the second was that her name wasn't on the guest list and to add insult to injury-she was dressed in gray. First thing i noticed was that she was with two other girls and one of them was shouting. This was funny because the bouncers weren't even paying attention. She finally walked inside. I felt kinda sorry for her so i told leke, one of the owners of play about the scenario. What shocked me most was that he had never heard of her before. Minutes later when she walked past us with a popular Rnb star and my friend SD to enter the vip, LB tapped her to ask her if she was okay, the following transpired.

LB:hey, are you alright?

Omawunmi: (looks at him degradingly) Why wouldn't i be?

LB:okay, that's good to know, i just wanna make sure everyone is alright

at this point Omawunmi looks at him like he's a retard and

Omawunmi:do i look like i care?

SD:(to omawunmi) come inside

Phury:LB please just ignore this girl, its not worth it

LB:no no no, she can't come in here talking to people like she's a queen. (turns to her) you should learn how to treat people with some respect

SD:pulls omawunmi, asking her to go inside

Omawunmi: hold on hold on, proceeds to take a long puff of her cigarette and blows the smoke in LB's face.

Everyone around was shocked, Inside my head i'm thinking-oh no she didn't. As in, it seemed like i was watching a bad home video. LB turned to the bouncer in front of him and asked him to throw her out. I started begging for this chick like she was my friend. If you're gonna give attitude, give it to people who actually give a fuck about your presence, not the damn owners of the club that bounced you in the first place. LB's friends had to take him outside. It was just funny. To make it even funnier, she had absolutely no idea that she had just messed up big time. Remind me again who this chic is?

Anyways, all the above listed artistes performed and it was awesome. I danced, sweated, lost my voice to screaming all with my very puffy red eyes. I got home and got a blackberry request from a ....... I accepted out of curiosity and guess what? It was the guy at the pool. My chest collapsed.

Please note that all pictures are courtesy of WOTN and Alistair Englebert Preston. God bless.

Tribute to My Father

2010-08-30T11:35:00.001+01:00

My father was an exceptional man. He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man. The most important thing was that he loved us and we loved him back. We can only do our best in this life and he did his best. All I want today is to give him a dignified send-off because he was born as a role model to show me how man should be. I will always appreciate his good character and respect for others coupled with his willingness to lend a helping hand even when it was inconvenient for him. His was a fatherly love that gave us purpose and direction as well as peaceful inner security, and as we celebrate him today, there are no words to express how grateful we are that he was our father. A father we love and respect. A father who fulfilled his duties to teach, to guide and to protect. Some fathers are just father figures, but a real father like J.C. Okpaleke is very rare. Of all the men in the whole wide world, whose praises are sung out loud, there is no man I respect more or of whom I am more proud.

Throughout the years you worked so hard to provide us a happy life and even when we went through tough times and the world turned their backs on us, you carried no grudges and you did it all without strife. I’m thankful I got to watch you and for the privilege to observe your strength, your competence and your kindness. You were a true child of God-selfless, always fighting for the oppressed and taking care of the less privileged. I would like to remember my father for who he really was: a wise, decent, courageous, cheerful, humble, strong, smart, respectful, tolerant, peaceful, and most importantly a loving man. I’m glad we got to have you as our dad for all these days, months and 60 years.

I was very surprised that your life came to an abrupt end. I thought then,'why us?' But now I think 'Thank God we lived like this with our beloved father'. Thank God for the joys and pains we shared. Thank God for all the temptations we fought that made us a strong unbreakable force. Thank God for the trials and tribulations that became our success story. Whatever happens, it was worth every ounce of pain we're going through now.

Yes, its true that you would never get to see any of us get married, you would never get to carry your grand children. But we promise to tell them everyday about you as we uphold your name and reach all those heights you wished for us. Dear Dad, if you're reading this, i want to give you 60 cheers because you were a special father.

Ten cheers for loving us no matter what

Ten cheers for making us behave and for being proud of us

Ten cheers for the encouragement you gave and all the fun things we did

Ten cheers for always coming home at night and teaching us so many things

Ten cheers for making childhood a delight and for loving our mother right

This is a farewell wish from your biggest fans, and as we say our final tributes to you-Here’s another Ten cheers, Dad, just for being you. We love you. R.I.P

PS: Timi Dakolo and Rilwan did a tribute song for my father. Kindly download it and give me your feedback in the comment section. http://www.4shared.com/audio/K7q5DTps/04_Cry_for_You.html

Also, there are articles on Bella Naija and Gidi Lounge. http://gidilounge.com/?p=6151
http://www.bellanaija.com/2010/08/26/a-special-tribute-to-a-loving-father-timi-dakolo-rilwan-cry-for-you/

The Inferno 3

2010-06-23T09:34:00.000+01:00

October 2008

Andrew came to visit one morning with a friend of his called Tochi who seemed really shy. I was instantly attracted to him. When his eyes would catch mine he would wink and I’d blush. Taking a sit, Mother motioned for them to do the same. “How have you been son? This is such a wonderful surprise. How are your parents?” He grinned and looked almost boyish as he answered. All the while I kept stealing glances at Tochi and when we were finally introduced I offered him a tour of the house, which thinking about now must have sounded lame. We got to know each other and by the end of the day I’d been asked on my first date. Andrew didn’t seem too happy about it.

“Be sure to behave yourself kid, some guys don’t like smarty pants”.

He looked angrier than I’d ever seen him and I couldn’t understand why. I was too excited to allow him spoil my moods, I just kept a blank expression. My step mom shook her head when I decided to stick out my tongue at him. Everyone knew that Andrew and I didn’t get along.

Tochi and I began to see a lot of each other whilst Andrew just got meaner. I couldn’t understand the animosity. I got admitted into the University and everyone around me seemed to be having sex. Tochi had hinted on us consumating our relationship but I simply wasn’t ready. As a club boy, his mates were probably teasing him about not getting some from his wifey. I think a part of me knew that I would never sleep with him. Then his club threw an end of semester party and we attended. As usual there were scantily dressed chics who looked like they were begging for it. Toch1 was being gentleman and kept plying me with alcoholic drinks every time my glass was empty. I began to feel drowsy and that’s when I saw Andrew. He told Tochi to take me upstairs to sleep it out. When we got upstairs he started to kiss me which I didn’t mind, at least not until he began to take off my blouse.

“I can’t do this, I’m not ready. I’d rather lie down for a while” I said. Tochi didn’t seem to be listening. He even held my hand with his left hand and used his right hand to rip off my short skirt. We began to struggle and when I shouted he slapped me so hard that I tasted blood on my tongue.

“Please, please no. Tochi don’t do this I begged”. He was past listening so I summoned up strength and screamed. “Somebody help me please”. At which he pushed me onto the bed, ripped off my panties and drove his fingers into me. I screamed again and he covered my lips with his. Everything happened so fast the next minute. The door opened and someone pulled him off me. I was sobbing so badly that I started fighting when they tried to lift me.

“Ssshh ssh kid, its alright, you’re safe now’’. It was Andrew and I just hugged him and started crying like a banshee. He covered me with a sheet and turned to tochi. “Have you lost your fucking mind? What the fuck did you think you were doing? Trying to rape her?’’ Andrew threw a punch and carried me out of the room. He advised that I feign sleep and as he carried me down he told people that I was drunk. He put me at the back seat of his jeep and just stood there looking at me.

“Do you want me to take you back home kid?” Andrew looked cold blooded and scary. I burst into fresh tears that had nothing to do with the assault I just experienced and everything to do with this guy in front of me.

“Why are you always so mean to me? I almost got raped in there and you’re treating me like one of your statistics. Please move away, I can find my own way home”.

“Awww, please don’t cry honey. I didn’t mean to snap at you. When I’m around you I feel so helpless. But I promise that no one would ever hurt you again. I’m sorry. Please stop crying, I’ll take you home” he said… I shook my head and surprised myself by telling him that I wanted to go back to his place. I was still al shook up and I didn’t want to be alone. He looked skeptical but took me back to his flat. He got me a fresh towel and as I took a shower he put some food in the microwave. I slept in his room while he stayed in the guest room. The sheets had his scent all over but I just couldn’t sleep.

We drove back to campus the next morning and he waited for me to get my stuff. It was the last day of the semester and he had offered me a ride home. My face was swollen and my lip was split. Everyone thought I’d fallen down last night. I and Andrew agreed not to tell mother the truth as we got home and he promised to come visit me the next day. He came the next day as promised, and the day after that, and the days after that. We became close and I began to look forward to his visits. I remember one time he hadn’t called or checked up on me in three days. I was in my room on the fourth day reading a book when I glanced up and found him leading against the door of my room. “Come in, no need to hover there-I won’t bite you”.

With an uncertain smile he came into the room and sat down. “I’m not bothering you?”

“Nope. I was bored anyways that’s why I’m reading’. How have you been?” I asked

“I’m good kid. Sorry I haven’t been in touch. My mom was down with typhoid, so its been crazy at home” he replied.

“Sorry about that. I hope she’s alright now?” He replied in the affirmative. I hugged him then and when I withdrew he smiled. He raised his hands to touch my cheeks and I held on to them. His lips looked so inviting, so I leaned forward and did the noble thing. I kissed him. Taken by surprise, he returned my kiss and my arms went around him drawing him closer. I pushed him away and stood up to lock the doors. I wanted this guy very badly and he was gonna get it today.

Present day

He held my throat in a death grip and I couldn’t breathe. Every time I tried to scream he would squeeze tighter. Something glistened in his hand and I watched in horror as a blade came down to strike my chest over and over again. I woke up shivering and cold to my teeth. Who was this man I kept seeing in my nightmares. My throat was parched so I decided to go to the kitchen for a glass of water. I was walking past the sitting room when my instincts told me to halt. Something was definitely wrong. The hairs at the back of my neck were standing and that’s when I saw the shadow moving in the dark towards the sitting room. I dropped to the floor and sat behind one of the couches, thankful that I hadn’t turned on the lights. At first I thought my childhood horror character willi willi had come to life, but weren’t those the sound of footsteps? Well I’ll be damned, ghosts didn’t have footsteps and come to think of it they glided not walked. I definitely had one advantage over this intruder-this was my home and I knew all the nook and crannies of it. I held my breath as I crawled towards the kitchen. One thing was for sure, I needed a weapon fast. I wasn’t gonna die tonight.

The final chapter of this story would be published next week. Thank you for your patience

The Inferno 2

2010-06-15T10:07:00.000+01:00

December 1996

It was Christmas and as usual the orphanage was buzzing. Most of us had stopped believing in 'Father Christmas' because we assumed he only visited kids from rich homes and those with parents. No, the reason for the buzz was that lots of people came from the outside world during this period to foster children. We all wanted to belong to a family that would love us, but then no one ever really got their wishes. I for one had even given up hope of ever being adopted.

“Ifeoma.” I cringed at the all too familiar voice of the Matron. I stood up and when she saw me, she beckoned me over and I followed. As we walked past, I saw some of the other kids smile.

“Good luck ify this is your year, chuckled Omolara, but I smiled and refused to meet her eyes. How many times had I heard that particular line?

“Please shut the door”, I want you to meet Mrs Marcus. She has taken a liking to you and wants to adopt you into her family matron said softly. Madam, this is Ifeoma, one of our brightest children. She’s high-spirited but she means no harm.

To my surprise she seemed to colour slightly herself. “I would leave the both of you to get to know each other completely’’. With that she ruffled my hair and closed the door.

The possession in this woman’s eyes should have scared me but I reveled in it because it had been a long time since anyone cared. “Now, I can say with heartfelt sincerity that you would make a good addition to my home. I lost my family years ago in a car crash and you remind me so much of my last daughter Amy”. Our eyes met and she smiled. I found myself smiling back.

“I hope you can call me mother someday” she said and I nodded. My heart was beating very fast. I never though I would see this day. The matron came in sometime later and I was sent back to the dormitory. Later that evening I was told that the adoption process would take a couple of weeks, after which I would be free to leave for my new home.

One Month Later:

A car was sent to pick me up and I found myself in Victoria Island. I know this because we lived in this area before I was sent to the orphanage. As soon as we got into the compound I felt at peace, like I was coming home. A boy of about twenty stood by the garden looking bored as the car pulled up the driveway. I wove to say hello, but all he did was shrug and look away.

“Hello darling how was your trip?” asked my step mom from the doorway. “Welcome to your new home” and then she hugged me which was a bit weird. The last person to hug me was my mom and she was dead. I was introduced to the household staff and everyone seemed happy to see me. The maid took my bags and showed me to my room. My new bed was huge and I fell asleep as soon as I laid down on it. The girls from the home had been sad to see me go but I promised to visit them often.

I was awakened by a knock on the door later that night and my step mom poked her head into my room, satisfied that I was awake she pushed the door wider and stepped into the room. Trailing behind her and carrying a tray laden with food was the rude boy I had seen earlier. He dropped the tray at the foot of the big bed.

“Ifeoma, this is my nephew Andrew. He’s here for the summer”. “Andrew why don’t you welcome ifeoma into the family”.

He looked at me for a long time, as if weighing his options. “Hello, good to meet you” and just like that he politely excused himself and left the room. Mrs Marcus and I talked for a while and I told her about my parents and my life before the orphanage. She listened as I spoke and nodded a few times. When I was done, she held my hand and said a prayer then bid me goodnight.

I didn’t see him the next day, the cook said he had gone back home. I kept wondering if perhaps the thought of having a raggedy orphan under the same room with him ticked him off. I tried to settle into my new home but it was not easy. The change of environment affected me so much that I took ill at one time. My foster mom was an angel and was real patient with me. She enrolled me in high school and I made new friends. Then the night mares began to come. I was having dreams about the night my parent died and every time I woke up there would be a niggling feeling at the back of my head. It would always feel like a part of me knew the killer and I began to feel like I was being watched which was quite absurd.

September 1998

I didn’t see Andrew again until I turned eighteen. It was at the Certified II party at Glover court and the place was packed. Being in an all girls school always made outings like this a compulsory affair because of the presence of members of the opposite sex. I spotted Abiola-my crush-and was struggling within myself whether to go over and say hello when i saw him walk into the room. He was the most popular boy in his University and everytime my friends spoke about him, I acted like I didn't know who he was. Still, I found that i couldn't take my eyes off him. He saw me and smiled. As he walked over i looked around for escape routes as my heart beats increased ten fold.

“tut tut tut….you aren’t trying to hide from me are you? He asked as he came to stand in front of me. You do know your beauty is one of those rare ones that cannot be hidden”…

“Hello Andrew I replied. Good to see you too” I added with a bit of sarcasm. “It’s been what-two years?’’

He smiled then, in a slow and sexy way. “Yeah, you bewitched me from the moment I first laid my eyes on you and I knew I was lost, so I ran home the very next day”. I laughed at that.

“What’s so funny sweets?” asked a slim girl who suddenly appeared at his side. I thought I saw him frown but it was gone so suddenly that I might have imagined it. “Hello babe, meet ify, ify this is Alicia-my girlfriend”. The last bit was said forcefully. She took one look at me and.. “You’re the orphan girl aren’t you? I’ve heard a lot about you”. Wow, you don’t look like an orphan anymore I must say”. I smiled, and politely replied “These things happen-but look at you. You must be the anorexic girl people laugh about who lives on only alcohol or was that his last girl friend? Gosh, I’m really not sure anymore because Andrew has a reputation for mixing with trash”. Its so nice to see your again Andrew, mom misses you. With that I turned on my heel and walked away, straight to the corner of the room where Abiola was.

The Inferno

2010-06-10T11:35:00.000+01:00

June 2nd 1994
I listened to Nkem cry as I sat by the window reading Oliver Twist for the hundredth time. The sound of her voice made me really angry and I wanted to throw my book in her face. The only thing that stopped me from doing so was the fact that this book, along with the clothes on my back where all the memories I had left of my parents. The policemen said I was clutching onto the book even as I remained in a coma for weeks. They said there were times tear drops would fall from my eyes, but my condition didn’t seem to improve. A hiccup sounded right next to me, interrupting my thoughts and I turned to find that Nkem had moved closer to me. I gave her a hard look and almost spat at her when she began to weep again. Everyone else took pity on her every time she started wailing-everyone except me. It was true that she had lost both her parents, but hadn’t we all? Just when I was going to shut her up, the bell for evening prep rang out and we all scurried out. My name is Ifeoma Nwachukwu and I live in an orphanage.

January 6th 2010
The sound of my blackberry vibrating brought me back to reality. It’s my personal assistant and it turns out that I’m late for the meeting with our new clients. I’m a Lawyer working at Johnson and Johnson, one of the top law firms in Africa. I still cannot believe it has been eight years already and over twelve years since that fateful morning when I lost both my parents to a killer. At the time the detective in charge said my father had shot my mother first and then himself. What a load of bollocks. I wore my glasses, put on my Louboutin shoes and walked to the conference room. Mr Osagie raised an appreciative glance towards me as I entered and I couldn’t help but smile, I always have such effect on men. We shake hands and sit down to talk business. Halfway into the conversation my mind starts to drift again to the events that changed the course of my history forever.

September 1991
My parents had just returned from a dinner party and my mom was clearly upset. I remember my dad trying to console her in Ibo as she paced the length of the sitting room restlessly. I sat on the stairs and just watched her even though a part of me wanted to go and give her a hug. The last time I saw her sad was when she lost my baby brother in her womb. Finally, she let my dad take her upstairs to the room and as they passed by me, I thought I heard her chuckle. My dad bent to kiss the top of my head and said ‘’iffy, bia ka-anyi gbagote n’elu. (Iffy, lets go upstairs). So I followed them up and went to my room to sleep. The next morning my mom seemed happier. She sang in the kitchen as she made pancakes and was not even aware of my dad’s presence until he grabbed her waist. She sighed and leaned into him. I learned later that she had gotten into an argument with her siblings but when I asked my dad why, he told me it was a grown up issue.

I felt someone touch my arm, and looked up to find Mr Osagie waving his hands in front of my face. Everyone in the conference room had their eyes trained on me as I smiled and said I was alright. When they didn’t look convinced I reminded Mr Osagie of the last statement he made. Satisfied that I was still with them, he continued the discussion. I thought it would be best if I excused myself, so I feigned dizziness and stood up to get a bit of fresh air. I had just stepped into the elevator when this huge guy rushed in and bumped into me. He looked familiar and when he smiled I got a feeling of dejavu. He asked if I was okay and I replied in the affirmative. I kept stealing glances at him as the elevator rode down. Something wasn’t right.

When the lift got to the ground floor, I took a brisk walk outside as the man turned left.. The air smelled of dust which could only mean that it was about to rain. There was a time I used to love the rain-way back when I was a child. But twelve years ago on a rainy day, my parents were murdered in the early hours of the morning. Contrary to what the police report says, I knew it was murder. Earlier that day I heard my father arguing with someone over the phone and he was telling the person to go to hell.
“I would not allow you to threaten my family, so I have decided to go to the police and report your activities” said my dad. I walked to the door of the study and saw him gesticulating wildly. He continued “I dare you to do your worst; I am not a puppet’’…. Something must have caused him to look up then and when he saw me standing there, he smiled and shut the door in my face. I went into the kitchen to assist the cook by simple sitting on the table top. I didn’t think too much of the incident after that.

Later that night as I slept, I was awakened by my mother screaming and crept downstairs to find out what the problem was. I saw a man shoot my dad as I bent to look down and slap my mom when she screamed again and tried to go over to my dad. I recall her begging for mercy and promising not to tell a soul. Just then the man just smiled and it sent chills down my spine. “Do you play cards madam? He asked her’’ and when she remained mute he went on “Of all the characters, I like the joker best because no one takes him seriously and yet he’s the deadliest.’’ Just then my mom looked up and saw me crouching on the stairs and I felt an immediate psychic connection with her as her eyes pleaded for me to be quiet. That was one of the things I loved about her, with a look she could say a million words. I remained perfectly still and deadly silent even as I watched the man cork his gun aim for her head. The look of fear, surprise and maybe defeat are all i remember in her eyes as the bullet slammed home and brain tissues spilled all over the floor. It was hard to believe that my parents were both dead and a man was coming up the stairs possibly to search me out. I forced my feet to move and crept into my parent’s room to hide in their ward robe. I fell asleep, only to wake up in the hospital. It turned out i had been shot twice but had somehow survived.

When my head felt better, I went back to the office to finish up the meeting. The rain was coming down in a drizzle now and I could see people on the street moving around. I suspected everyone had their problems, but carried on as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I closed my eyes as a tear drop slipped from my face and quickly wiped it away.

To be continued.....

Punk'd

2010-06-01T17:25:00.000+01:00

I worked out in the gym on Friday and took the time to ask my gym instructor about the Valencia guy i wrote about in my last post. He told me in no plain words that the guy was one of the town idiots and to be weary of him. By town idiots he meant those guys in the gym who feel its their God given right to chat up every new girl that comes to the gym. It also seemed that i was the next pawn.Whilst doing the bum squats, Valencia walked up to me and asked me out to drinks, i smiled shyly and accepted. This dude had no idea what was coming to him. My gym is near piccolo mondo so it seemed the best alternative.

We drove to piccolo mondo from the gym and sat upstairs. A waiter came to our table with the food and drinks menu. Below is a vague recollection of the events that transpired.

Valencia: Can i get a double martini, shaken not stirred (turns to me and winks)
Waiter: I don't understand sir
Valencia: Never mind, can i speak with your bartender?
Waiter: He's very busy Sir
Valencia: Okay, I'll just have a glass of red wine and the lady would have a long island tea
Waiter: Would that be all?
Valencia: Yes, for now... Then he turns to me... So, tell me a bit about yourself.
Me: What do you want to know?
Valencia: {smiles}Are you seeing anyone? How old are you? what are your hobbies?etc..
Me: Fortunately I'm divorced, I'm old enough to know that i don't drink alcohol, I love gossiping, burning peoples cables and eating.
Valencia: Very interesting.. erm, how about likes and dislikes? what do you look for in a man,what do you wear to bed at night?

By now I'm getting kinda miffed. What the hell does he want to know what i wear to bed at night for?

Me: I like everything good and hate everything bad. I look for only material wealth in a guy because i live on Ransome Kuti Road, Ajegunle. My bed time outfits are not quite appropriate
Valencia: Trying to stifle a laugh-please go on
Me: Well, after i wash my panties at night, i take a shower wearing a shower cap on my head. after which i towel dry myself and wear a hair net
Valencia: A what???? are you kidding me?
Me: No. I'm not. In fact, i wear that to bed with my size 12 white grannies panties. Then i pick my nose. Sometimes i use the toilet before i take a bath and my poo poo smells like a deceased chameleon. I have two brushes-one for my tongue and one for my teeth. Then i tie a wrapper that is both faded and torn and go to bed.

At this point, my date looks uncomfortable and begins to look round, possibly to check whether people can actually hear our conversation. Our drinks arrive and i order food. A mental calculation tells me that its almost 14thousand Naira. I tell him i have to use the ladies and i make to grab my bag.

Valencia: Why do ladies always insist on taking their bags with them to the ladies?
Me: I honestly don't know. But in my case, I'm on my period and i feel blood dripping down my legs. I have my sanitary pads in my bag, and i need to change the one that's leaking.
Valencia: He looks so shocked that i almost feel sorry for him.

I made a beeline for the stairs and hit the exit. Got into my car and went back to the gym. Ten minutes later my phone rings and i get one of the guys at the gym to answer. It's him and they tell him I'm on the thread mill. I give Valencia a 10 minutes head start because i know he still has to pack the food i ordered. When the time is up, i say my goodbyes, get into my car and as i drive off, i see him coming in. Its amazing how one feels when you realise you've done something absolutely shocking. I tell you, its amazing.

Too extreme you say?maybe... But don't you just hate it when guys use the wrong head to make up their minds?

Rock n' Rolla

2010-05-28T14:40:00.000+01:00

People ask the question...what's a RocknRolla? And i tell 'em - it's not about drums, drugs, and hospital drips, oh no. There's more there than that, my friend. We all like a bit of the good life - some the money, some the drugs, others the sex game, the glamour, or the fame. But a RocknRolla, oh he's different. Why? Because a real RocknRolla wants the fucking lot.

I'm a warrior or so I've been told. A lot of those dear to me expect me to heal and move on and i really cannot blame them. Its been quite an amusing period for me. Feels like Mother Nature keeps throwing trials and tribulations at me to see if I'll crack. Its quite inconveniencing you see and i really cannot imagine how Job pulled his off. I need to shake hands with that nigger when i see him in the after life.

I spent the better part of my week in the UK but before i left on the 20th, I'd met a guy called Valencia at the gym a day before and burst out laughing like a fool when he told me he was a stripper. I liked him instantly and didn't think twice when he asked for my card. He promised to call and call he did ten minutes later. Anyways back in jand i hung out with my friends Bata, Bota, Femtho, Kiwi, Ogoke at some place called Movida. The music was on point and there were some white footballers there and celebs like Kelly Rowland in the house. She introduced her new single and the D.J played it. I wanted to puke-was that really necessary Mr DJ?

The wedding ceremony of my friend T.I that i traveled for was on the 22nd. I actually attended the Church Service at the Catholic Church. The service was short and beautiful and i found myself wondering why our churches back home couldn't couldn't do the same. Why preach for three hours at a wedding ceremony? What the hell did the couple take marriage classes for? Are they saying that three months in marriage counseling isn't enough? What can you possibly say in three hours that the couple haven't already heard in three months??

We proceed to the Reception at the Porchester Hall where i find myself getting shy every time T.I's younger brother came over to my table. It was absurd. I was still getting flustered when my attention was drawn to this good looking guy in shades. He looked neat and my heart almost stopped when someone on my table said his name was Azuka. I knew I'd heard that name before but i couldn't place his face. To make matters worse, introductions were made and my chest exploded when he took off his shades. Those eyes looked familiar and when he said he knew me i almost fell off my damn chair. How long had it been since i saw him? This was the same guy I'd had a crush on for almost two years-the same guy i couldn't summon up enough courage to ask to my High School prom. What fuckery was this? I kept trying to reach for my 1998/1999 memories and recollections of him but hip hop wasn't the only thing that was dead. I didn't feel jack. It got me irritated and i didn't understand why, and so even when he said I'd called him once i just said yeah yeah. It wasn't until i got home that it clicked and i thought waddafugg!!!! Called you how?? I remember chatting with my friend Greg after and he wanted to know if i still had emotions for the guy-common now-its been like 11 years...

I met Anwar through my siblings. He owns the apartment building we stayed at. He's from one of the richest families in Libya but he's also divorced. His younger brother on the other hand was cute as sin and i couldn't be arsed that they were Muslims. My younger brother had his pin and i thought of ways to collect the said pin from him without being so obvious. I was feeling free and bold with myself and wanted to leave my comfort zone for once. Alas, my liver failed me again. The damn thing. I'm beginning to think i may have to change it. I went to watch Robin Hood with Anwar's cousin Mohammed who is Arab and also Muslim. Now I'm beginning to think that perhaps i should change religions. Arabians seem to be the best looking guys on earth. Everywhere we went, people seemed to know him. His father's house was out of this world and I had to stop myself from gawking like a bush woman. Yes, definately need to change religions.

Its back to reality for me now as I've resumed work. I do have a party at Tribeca tonight but i doubt I'll be meeting any Arabians there. Thanks to everyone who left me words of encouragement through your comments on this blog, black berry messages, text messages, and phone calls. Your kind words are all that have seen me through this. I have started my life with a touch of RocknRolla. You ask again what's a RocknRolla?? Mind your damn buisness and wish me luck.

Coming Around Again

2010-05-17T10:52:00.000+01:00

I've had a dark couple of weeks thinking, reminiscing of bitter nights and days, but i know its expected for someone going through a heart break. Every time a guy breaks my heart, i dust myself up and try again with someone new. But now, i begin to question what the purpose of being in a relationship really is.

The girl that my ex cheated on me with is someone in my social circle. A good friend to two of my very good friends so i believed him when he said there was nothing to it. I never for once thought that she would stupid and daft enough to do what she did. But then some girls can be real idiots sometimes. I wonder if I'm not really to blame for being so trust worthy and gullible, or maybe for not turning into a piranha like society expects we women to. I decided to come up with a plan for revenge. i wanted these two fools to feel the pain i was feeling.

I thought of different ways to hurt miss 6ft7. She's one of those girls with low self esteem so i figured playing on that weakness would be a great way to start. I would make her vulnerable. I also thought about flirting with this guy she is rumoured to like and make her feel small. Then I thought about sending my good friend dagger to beat the crap out of her and pour a healthy doze of poison ivy or itchy powder into her wounds. I wanted to dump life cockroaches and soldier ants down her size 14 ass. I wanted to take a dagger and rip her fucking throat out. But what about the ex? what was to be his punishment, after all it takes two to tango. Mmmmmhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

I thought about calling him up and doing an I spit on your grave on him. I made up a list of possible things. Trick him into letting me tie his hands and legs to my bed, then insert a hot needle right into his pee hole. Or rub a mixture of cayenne pepper and rob menthol into his butt hole and in his eyes. Better still i could invite him over for dinner, and whilst he's in my room, I'll be in the shower.Now, in the shower i would used my honey body scrub and then the strawberry body wash to leave my skin feeling smooth and smelling like a million dollars. I would stroll into the room and towel myself dry in front of him, all the while humming to myself. then i would bend to my lingerie draw and pull out a bravisimo silk and lace negligee. I'll walk over to the dressing table and apply my cherry and plum lip gloss and use a victoria secret body spray on my skin. I will walk to the bed and sit right next to him and ask him to help me hook my bra strap. At the sharp intake of his breath, I'll brush my breasts along his arms and pretend to lean back. I will kiss him long and hard to get him so aroused and thick that he would want to take me right there and that's when I'll pull an apologetic face and tell him i can't sleep with him because I've lost the urge.

There are so many ways to get revenge and believe me when i say i thought of them all again and again. In my head i struggled with myself and that's when i got a call from my good friend Ibukun. He said the first thing i needed to do was come to terms with the ivory that everyone thinks i am and the Ivory that my friends know that i am. He didn't understand why i wanted to put myself through hell for two people who had no sense of decency or respect for my feelings. I was more than that and i deserved better than that. Long after he hung up a voice inside tried to talk to me. This is not my first heart break and it may not be my last. All i can do is love more, laugh more and cry more if it makes me feel better. I had to be the Ivory i love, who is strong, beautiful inside and out and a survivor no matter the odds.

So i knelt down and as Simon Webb sang --I've been sitting in the darkness/but the sunlight is creeping in/now the ice is slowly melting/in my soul and in my skin/for the good times my friend/are Coming Around Again---- I bowed my head and wept. Lord, I always said i wouldn't involve you in my relationship issues because i always figured you had more important things on your mind but i need you to please take away this pain. Forgive my weaknesses and thoughts of revenge and give me the strength to fight this. Then i stood up, took a shower and went to the Gym.

My Letter to an Ex

2010-05-05T13:21:00.000+01:00

Dear Ex,

I honestly can't remember the first time we met, but i recall it was through your friend Obta whom i was dating at the time. I never saw you as good looking but snobbish and rude. The first time you said hello to me, i was too shocked to reply. I always figured you never did notice me. I and Obta broke up in September 2008 and i recall you sending me a message on facebook to see how i was doing. Then months later we started flirting and though i didn't like you, I loved the attention.

By June 2009, we had become close. Then i fell ill with chickenpox and you came to visit me everyday even when my face looked like a that of a troll from Lord of the Rings. I fell for you when you began helping me rub calamine lotion on my back to help with the itch. My face was so bumpy and i looked ugly. We began dating soon after that. When i found out that you had another girl, you denied it to me and i believed you. But a mutual friend would tell me in October 2009 that you were still with this girl. I called you up and broke it off. On that same day, you broke it off with her. I did not believe you until I and Obta went to the cinema later that night and he confirmed it. By the next day you and I were back together and you paid for a holiday trip abroad for the both of us. Everytime was fine after that. You started bringing up talks about marriage.

Then the issue of Miss 6 foot 7 came up. It was public knowledge that you'd been kpoxing this girl for ages. Yet you assured me it was over and i chose to believe you. I believed you through her phone calls in the weird hours of the day. I believed you through the uncomfortable encounters. Do you want to know how i felt that saturday night when i found out that you and this girl were still seeing each other? Talking about stuff you wanted to do to yourselves? Do you fucking want to know how i felt when i found out you were going to her office and home to see her? This stupid chit who would see me in public and be nice to me, laugh with me, meanwhile she got designs on my damn man? The betrayal, the pain, the shock, the realiisation...all on that saturday night.

I called you into the room and asked you about this story but you tried to deny it. I'm not exactly sure what you saw on my face but you finally affirmed my suspicions. I broke down-right in front of you-i broke down and wept. Tears that showed my heart was breaking, tears for a love i knew i no longer needed. Then you broke down in tears. This was too rich and amidst my watery eyes, i started laughing. Didn't my brother El Ninio once tell me that guys were Oscar award winning actors? I asked to be taken home and you did. I cried all the way, got into my room and found out you had deleted me from your list of BB contacts. What utter fuckery.

Next day and not a single word from you.

Two days later you send me a BB request which i declined. You go ahead to send me seven pin messages apologising, swearing heaven and earth that you loved me and that Miss 6ft7 was only an insignificant spec of dust next to me. Oh! So you realise that now? Your dick didn't think about that when it entered her did it? What the hell do i care now if you finally understand that your actions hurt the one you say you love? The one you claim to want to be with and the one of whom without, life is not worth living? You say you don't deserve me? Of course you don't deserve me you lying, cheating, trifling, low life, godforsaken reptile. Getting your friends to call me won't help you, calling my friends on the other hand will only worsen your case. You are now single, so is she-why not go ahead and continue doing your thing? All of a sudden the both of you despise each other. How stupid of you to put your relationship on the line over that piece of shit.

Three days later you call my agent and ask her to send me a ticket for the UK but she refuses. Then you send a bouquet of roses and a box of heart shaped Hershey's chocolate from Gethsemane to my office. Attached is a note saying you will keep fighting until you win back my affections. lol. Dude haven't you learned anything? I hate flowers. Lucky for you, my boss wouldn't let me chunk them in the garbage so i gave it all out.

I would have walked the ends of this earth for you. I stuck by you when people told me you were hopeless. They said i was settling by dating you. I forewent my exercises just to watch you play football and basketball three times a week. Did i ever give you reason to doubt that i cared about you? How could you have been so quick to forget what it took for me to trust you again? What did i possibly do to deserve such betrayal for the second time running? I have nothing more to say to you that my tears haven't already done. You would be wise to leave me alone. I am rebuilding my life-a life that you would never again be a part of.

I'm taking on the world and it had better be fucking ready for me. My Phury has just been unleashed.

Blank Pages

2010-04-20T12:09:00.000+01:00

" In some books, why do we have blank pages at the very end ".

Hadiza was raped for the first time by her boyfriend's elder sister and her friends. She was always the quiet one in her family-a straight A's student. Nothing could have prepared her for that horrific experience. I can't imagine she knew she was about to be the victim of experimental abuse when she answered the call on her land line summoning her to their house by his twenty two year old sister Maseh. The pretext was to plan a surprise party for Pero, her 19 year old boyfriend.

She go to the house at about 3pm that Saturday and was ushered in by Smokey, Maseh's friend. She was called smokey because she smoked weed a lot. Diza sat in the parlour to wait for Maseh who was taking a shower, Maseh came down and they all went up to her room. In the room were three other girls, two of whom looked tipsy. It could have been an act, we'd never know now. Diza was offered a drink and a glass to go with it. As she sipped, she listened to Maseh and her friends talk about sex and lesbianism, whilst one of the drunk girls began making weird sounds. She became uncomfortable and asked to be excused. She was. But as she stood up to leave, the room began swarming before her eyes and she fell and hot her head on the bed post.

She heard a voice which may have been Smokey's start whispering for the others to hurry up.Diza was stripped naked, a tongue stroked her breasts continually while someone slapped her bottom with a notepad or a book and laughed. Next thing, two people grabbed her arms and another two her legs until she was spread eagle on the bedroom floor. All this time she still didn't understand what was happening. But then she felt something warm being rubbed into her clitoris and that's when she started to struggle and shout, even as her body shut down she screamed out in pain when something large was forced into her vagina walls and then darkness over took her. Diza woke up alone in Pero's room fully dressed. Her hips felt broken and her thighs and vagina region felt sore. She went into the toilet to check her under wear, but she felt okay. Nothing seemed out of place except the nausea. She could tell she had been drugged. She took a taxi home and went to bed. A few days later she got a call from Maseh threatening to ruin her reputation if she ever told anyone about what had happened. Her worst fears were confirmed;she had been raped by women. Hadiza was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she cried, prayed and withdrew even more into herself which led to the break down of her relationship with Pero. Maseh and Smokey died in a car accident three months after the incident.

Forward to University and Diza befriended this guy called Joshua. Everyone told her he was bad news, but she always saw the good in others when everyone else didn't. He was a cult member with a really bad reputation but she was convinced he had changed. The morning of Friday the 13th 2003, he invited her to his room so that they could study together later in the evening and she agreed. She says she had a change of heart and told him but he invited her for a walk instead. He asked her to wait for him by the corner of the building and when he crept down behind her, he pushed something hard into her back, warned her to be quiet and walk into the building. I still can't understand why she didn't scream out. He took her up into his room and once inside bolted the door and slammed the gun into her head. He tied her to his bed and raped her repeatedly till about 2am. One time she bit into his lips and screamed out in pain, but he hit her hard across the face and tied her lips with a white t-shirt. Diza said every time she lost consciousness, he bought cold beer on her face. Sometime later, a knock sounded on the door and his room mate who was also a cult member entered and she just knew she was going to die. But the most amazing thing happened, he raised an alarm as soon as he saw her wounds and began to untie her, then he descended on Joshua.

Almost 10 guys rushed into the room. Torn outfit and shattered lips was more than some of them could take. It was obvious what had happened. They all started trying to get a piece of Joshua and Diza was led away, she was in shock. In the female hostel, all we knew was that there was an uprising taking place in one of the male hostels. There was commotion everywhere and we could hear sirens. The whole school was buzzing and noisy. It was like a stampede. Some said a fight broke out between rival cult groups, some said someone had slumped and died, others said there was a fire in one of the boy's dormitory. But bad news travels fast, and in twenty minutes half of the school knew what had happened. She left school for over four weeks and when she resumed there were visibly marks all over her body. Everywhere she went people were whispering, and pointing, or consoling her. She left Nigeria two weeks later and i cannot imagine what sort of emotional trauma Diza must have gone through. Joshua on the other hand was arrested, prosecuted and sentenced to Kirikiri. He was disowned publicly by his father who has 5 wives and 28 children. No one heard anything of him after that-no one still has.

I and Diza didn't become friends until early last year and i was only told this tale last week Friday. She asked me to share this story with my readers and believe me when i say i fought her tooth and nail on this. But she was adamant, saying that it would give her some sort of closure and act as an avenue to get her life together and move on. She says she finally told Pero two years ago about why their relationship didn't work. He had shed tears-heart broken for the little girl who was sexually molested and for a sister whom he trusted. Dearest Diza, i don't know how writing this would help you, but i know that you're a strong woman and God loves you. Please do not think that the world is full of only evil people. There is a man for you out there, who would love you and cherish you and treat you like the beautiful queen that you are. My heart breaks as i write this and tears fill my eyes. Remember when you asked me why some books have blank pages at the very end? Well, i think its so that we can re-write our future and take control of it. Love you always. Ivory.

Please note that names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.

The Vampire Prince

2010-04-09T12:12:00.000+01:00

He latched on to my veins, and I came again and again and again.

March 31st:

I went to watch crush 1 play basket ball at American International School. I'm sitting up on the stands when my ex boyfriend Ogizzy walks in. My heart starts beating rapidly, the saliva in my mouth dries up and suddenly i cant breathe. He looks up as if on cue, smiles at me and motions with his fingers that he's coming up to meet me. Damnation!!! He walks up and plonks down right next to me. We chat and soon enough we're laughing so hard together that those playing keep sneaking glances at us. At one time i lean forward to plant a smacker on his cheeks. I couldn't help it, his dimples called out to me. Anyways, we're in the middle of a particular gossip when Obizzy my most recent ex walks in too. I cant seem to take my eyes off him as he goes near the stage and drops his pants. He's left only in boxers and proceeds to wear his bball shorts. His abs are visible through his t-shirt but unlike Ogizzy, my heart doesn't skip a beat. If anything i simply feel like I'm seeing an old friend whom I'm really fond of. He also looks up and sees me with Ogizzy. He looks confused so i smile and wave.

7:30pm same day:

Arsenal is about to play Barcelona in the first leg of the Champions League. Before the match i try not to eat because i know its going to be a crazy match. Sure enough, I'm jumping up and down and cursing all generation of them Arsenal player's families. The game has kicked off and Barcelona is on fire. Arsenal draw 2-2 with Barcelona at the end of the game and we leave the pitch with injuries to Fabregas, Gallas and Arshavin. I call my agent to book a ticket for my trip to Abuja tomorrow. My Mothers Friend is at home, talking about introducing me to her first son who was looking for a wife. Says he's a handsome guy. It was pissing the hell out of me so i asked her why he didn't have a girlfriend if he was so damn successful. I went to my room to watch Supernatural, all the time wishing i could send Sam and Dean Winchester to the lady.

April 1st:

The office is buzzing with April fool jokes. Twitter is even worse. I'm being punk'd left right and center. From Mr cute lips to my friend who broke up with her man today, only in the latter case she actually dumped him but the poor guy thought it was an April fools joke. I caught my flight to Abuja. My friend Abba had sent a driver to pick me up at the airport, so i get home and go straight to bed. I woke up around 11pm and hit my brothers' club for their weekly Thursday night BYOB (bring your own bottle). Its a public holiday today so the place is packed as hell. I get to meet some of my people from twitter. I spot my friend Aym and go over to say hello to him. He reminds me of Tyson Beckford. There are chics sending me daggers but it doesn't bother me. I and him go into the VIP and lo and behold its crush five, my only weakness. The Vampire prince, wearing a mad black t shirt and a face cap. I swear he used his powers to pull me to him because one minute i was standing next to Aym and the next minute i was in VP's arms hugging him. My heart is about to explode when he reaches down and kisses my neck. Oh my days, it feels like I peed on my silk outfit. He looks into my eyes-says hello and the sound of the blaring music quietens as he smiles at me. I'm scared and excited at the same time as we dance and grind against each other, my inhibitions are lost and i don't have a care in the world. i feel like I've guzzled a bottle of champagne and become powerful. This guy has me so intoxicated.

April 2nd:

I wake up cranky as hell. I keep seeing his face, and he's a bloody Barcelona fan. It doesn't make matters any better than my sister is having a clothes sale and I'm supposed to be assisting her. I wear an 'i love my boyfriend' t-shirt with shorts and head out. The sun in Abuja is blazing hot or maybe I'm becoming a vampire too. I meet del, the guy hosting the 70's party tomorrow. A couple of us buy Afro wigs from him and he compliments my legs, which was really embarrassing for me. I go home after the day's work to shower as i have a dinner date by 8 in Chopsticks. My dearest friend Ambus hasn't called me yet and so I'm kinda shocked. I pray that he gets better soon and ask him to send me his house address so that i can go visit him. Dinner date was effed, date tried to kiss me. I hate when guys do that. I reached into my purse and paid him for my portion of the dinner, called a cab and left.

April 3rd:

Vampire prince called me today and offered to take me swimming. I was in cloud 8. I've always preferred cloud 8 to 9. We get to the Hilton and the pool side is packed. Every 4 minutes a group of girls would walk past just to look at him. Its amusing. i take a shower and jump into the pool. The sun as usual is hot, but staying closer to this guy would have roasted me from the inside. He jumps into the pool and at one time grabs my butt under water. If it was any other guy I'd have kicked him, so i just sighed. He can't swim that well, but at least he got himself to the deep end without drowning. We had lunch at his place later. His cook is good. I excused myself and went to use his bathroom-came back to find him in the sitting area. He patted the space next to him, so i sat and he put his arms around my waist. I turned his head towards me but i can't remember which of us moved first. Sometime during the kiss, he pulled away and said something that sounded like 'damn ivory, not here, not now'..lol

He dropped me off at home and promised to be my date for the 70's party tonight. I knew he would not show up and he didn't. So, my friend Deevee took me for the party. I chilled with my friend Diva F until we were all ready to leave. On the way to my house, Deevee and I talked about a lot of stuff. It got me thinking a lot so I decided to sleep on it. This thing with the Vampire is bugging me.

April 4th:

I wake up with a head ache. Abuja does that to a person and i can't explain why. My flight is 1:05 but i miss it because the ATM says i need to upgrade my card to something called verve. Fuck that shit, i just need some freaking money. So i go home and BB my friend Abba to complain. He's just landed the airport from Kaduna but goes out of his way to get me food and keep me company until I'm ready to leave. I get to the tarmac and I'm about to board when the Pilot waves and says something to me. I'm feigning confusion, so i move closer like i want o hear him better when the real reason is that he's cute. He asks me if i would like to join them at the cockpit and i freeze. Me? Ivory Malinov? World renowned flying phobic craziness? That was when it clicked to me that because i did not pray that morning,my enemies from the Village where at work. So i raised my head, smiled and in my best pidgin language ever, I said "No Inglis"...

My name is Ivory

2010-03-30T11:11:00.000+01:00

There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us.

I was born on the 10th day of August to a Catholic father and a Celestial mother. I am the second girl and the third born in the family. I attended I.E.L.C Primary School, Nigerian Navy,Queen's College and The University of Lagos. I'm currently a Lawyer, working in a shipping company with a six figured monthly salary and an official car. This is the story of my life and the circumstances that led me to start a blog. I want you to know how it all began.

In Primary and High School, i was always the odd one out. I had the goofiest looking teeth growing up, thanks to a fight i had with my younger brother where he knocked off two of my front teeth. I have large eyes which entailed me the name Busu, the Igbo definition of a Cat. My legs were awkwardly skinny and long for my thin frame, and my lips became too small for my teeth. Everyone from my teachers in School, to my classmates called me ugly. And you know what? they were right. I was just one of those girls who wasn't good looking. So i became shy, withdrawn and bullied on several occasions especially by this girl called Mildred.

The first time anyone called called me beautiful was in SS1. Believe it or not I'd just started developing breasts and my acne was completely gone. I didn't believe him and it made me really embarrassed to hear anyone call me pretty after being called ugly for so long. By SS2, although i was in an all girls school, dudes were finally beginning to notice me. I remember this guy i had the maddest crush on. His name was Azuka, and i was weary when i heard he fancied me. I wasn't sure whether to be amused or scared, so i basically grew up being rude, snobbish and confrontational. It was a rouse to deter people from approaching or getting close to me. it has worked for me to this very day. How else was i supposed to handle the situation?

University was a whole new territory. I felt like a Lamb being led to the slaughter house. Being a jambite, guys just wanted to screw you. No one really liked you genuinely or got who you where as a person. Even your friends tended to back stab you in order to win favours from the club boys or popular people. It was like a bad case of Sex and the King's horsemen. I began to resent guys like leprosy. I hated them for everything they stood for. I didn't like the way some of my friends were treated and eaten half alive by these guys. Listening to my brothers and cousins just made me all the more pissed. I ended up not dating till i turned twenty, and had my first sexual experience when i was twenty three.

Over the years I've lived and experienced the City of Lagos. I've fallen in love with the hustle, and madness of my everyday life as a Lagosian. The traffic, the noise, the air pollution, the bad roads, the crazy okada drivers and their fathers the danfo drivers. It's always been Lagos for me. There is something about the City that gives me fulfillment and only people living in Lagos may understand what I'm saying. The beautiful men, the cars, the night life, the weather, the restaurants, the cinema, the Aristos, the shopping malls, the crack addicts, the 419 men, the prostitutes, the dirty white men, Femi Otedola's One Billion Naira Home; I mean, you've got to love Gidi.

Being single in Lagos is not bad at all. I've always tried to let my head lead the way. I let my heart do so once, and it was the greatest mistake ever made since John Terry's penalty miss at the Champions League finals against United in 2008. That heartache just made me incensed. I remember telling my colleague Bukie stories upon stories about guys, work, my life etc. She would always laugh and tell me i need to start a blog. So I'm currently sat on my toilet seat while writing this article and I'm assuming that those of you with cynosis can actually perceive the stench of my shit. I really don't care. Being single means i can do pretty much anything, anytime i please. I'm also mentally cursing the expatriates in my office who live in slums and shacks back in their countries but come to my Gidi, become rich men and then try to oppress and discriminate against us in our Country.

I would not stand for racism or tribalism. I do not believe in kissing ass. I believe that if you want monogamy, you must practice monogamy. In other words if you want me to be faithful in a relationship, you must also be faithful. I hardly ever smile. I love short dresses. My favourite part of my body are my eyes. I do not suffer fools and i hate stereotypical Lagosians. I do what i want to do as long as its not against the law. My name is Ivory Malinov. And this is my Blog.

He did what?

2010-03-08T14:03:00.000+01:00

My mom always says its simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

I'm pretty positive that no one can forget the first time they got dumped. In my case, it was after Law School and we'd been together for nine months. For once in my life, i was thinking marriage, kids, a Ferrari and everything else in between. I vividly recall this one time i and him lay beside each other in the garden at his house in Abuja. We talked about what our wedding would be like, i felt so giddy. Those people who know me will testify that I'm not the giddy or day dreamer type of person. But hey, love makes you do crazy shit. As we spoke, i said i dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance-wedding dress from Vera Wang, Shoes from Louboutin, Jewelery from my good friend H.Winston-filled with family and friends. But when i asked him what kind of wedding he wished for, He said one that would make me his wife. Suffice to say, He left me five months later for a girl who's dad was billionaire. She dumped him two months later for a footballer.

I've wondered at times if my idea of a wedding ceremony scared him off me. I had the same fears about myself and my sanity that everyone else had. The loss of breath and pain in the chest that comes from being dumped. The demoralizing feeling and loss of time combined with the haze that clouds your mind. You start asking yourself questions like 'did i have bad breath, body odour, bad eating habits, razzness? Was i too dominating? not domineering enough? Should i have been more or less eloquent? Should i have been less independent? or washed his boxers- #tiresscreechingascarcrashes. I'd slap any woman up in the head who actually asks herself that last question.

Through Centuries, guys have patented the act of dumping women. In my case, he simply said he felt we would be better off as friends. To make matters worse, he'd gotten me an Arsenal jersey, like an olive branch to ease the effects of the breakup. I told him to stuff it up his father's butt hole, although thinking about it now, i don't think that particular hole deserved my jersey. As a girl who grew up surrounded by men, I'd heard everything out there, so it didn't come as a surprise. A cousin of mine once told a girl he was impotent, whilst my brother's friend on the other hand went as far as letting his chic catch him in an uncompromising position with his best friend and she dumped him immediately.

Breaking up is never easy. The important thing to do is to minimise the damage when it is time to drop those time tested magic words that simply goes like this: Its not you,its me. Nearly all tactful dumping techniques are a variation on the "its not you, its me" theme. You can even get creative with phrases like: I'm not ready for a relationship, I can't commit, I'm too busy, I've got issues, I'm leaving the country, I'll be dead by Christmas, I'm a werewolf and I-never-really-thought-that-we-were-dating, which only works if you're dating an Idiot. Guys are just so damn unbelievable.

Over the years, people I've dated have said that I'm hard to reach and that i think like a guy. Compliments don't faze me anymore, if anything they simply tick me off. I try not to get emotionally attached to anyone. I guess you can say my heart is a temple with no services. I just feel that it doesn't make sense having to go through a heart break again. So, I've come up with a few rules about breaking up.

a). Never break up over the Phone: This will earn anyone the title of the scoundrel of the Century, and rightly so.

b). Don't let her be the last to know: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Believe me guys, you really don't want to experience this in person.

c). Timing is everything: Never break up with a woman on her birthday, Valentines day, Holidays or her Sister's wedding. This is just plain cruel.

d). Tell them the real reason why you are dumping them. Be freaking honest for pete's sake. We all know you're not a serial killer.

e). If she starts screaming at you, don't scream back. It's the price you have to pay for ending what maybe in her eyes was "a match made in Heaven". Serves you right.

We all have our ways, but as a writer you could write an article and have him proof read it. That's what i did.

Gillywood

2010-02-25T09:26:00.000+01:00

I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of Vaginas. They bother me in the way that spiders bother some people.

Some people think having larger breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, its quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. This would have to be the case, or how else can you explain Gimbiya Street in Abuja?

It was my mom's birthday on Sunday the 21st and my siblings organised a surprise party for her, so naturally we all showed up. I was very excited to be traveling to Abuja, the venue of the party, as crush five lives there and i was beginning to develop crush seven, eight and nine on dudes i met on twitter. I know right now every single person on my twitter page is speculating and trying to figure out whom these three gentlemen are. Isn't it just lovely.... I assure you that my view of Abuja has always been of a sophisticated sort. I've always believed that it being the Seat of power would result in a conservative atmosphere. I mean in Lagos we have Sanusi Fafunwa and Allen Avenue but Gimbiya street for me was a whole new ball game altogether.

I'd gone for dinner with my friend Ambus at some place called Bobo's place and from there to quorum where we met up with his friend Blop. I must confess that Ambus is the cutest guy I've seen in a long time with a good dress sense and admirable swimming skills. Whilst there, my sister called and asked me to get her an MTN Sim pack and a top up card. It was almost 11pm by this time, on a bleeding Monday and i couldn't imagine where the hell she expected me to find those items. Blop said he had a fairly good idea and led us to Gimbiya street. The position of the sign board looked like we were being welcomed to Sin City.

The first thing you notice on G street are the cars parked on either side of the road,from Range Rover Sports to Bluebirds. The lights on the streets are bright enough to make even the most avid #lightupNigeria followers proud. There are the Mallams selling products from chewing gum to different flavours of condoms. And of course the real owners of Gimbiya Street themselves-The call girls. They ranged from elephant fat to Naomi Campbell slim, skinny to pretty, cute, ugly to busty, flat chested to man chested, hairy legs to yamrous legs to hairy faces, overly made up faces, short skirts to gaping tops. There were half naked chics, some with really envious boobs, some with boobs like roasted yam, lime, lemon, mango etc. As Ambus drove by, i just stared and stared. It became so bad-my staring that is-that some of the girls clapped their palms in my direction and said something nasty. I just grinned. We saw what we were looking for and zoomed off. I've been told that there's nothing you can't get on G Street. I suppose maybe a couple of STD's mixed with anal sex, for all you short time seekers or a drop of Gingivitis/Halitosis caught from molded smelly vaginas. How's that for an appetiser?

I have never been one to condemn people based on their professions-especially if its honest and hard work. But I don't think prostitution as a hobby or job can be classified as honest work. Hard work probably-but definately not honest work. I mean, its gotta be hard giving up your body all day to different men to use as they deem fit. There's the likelihood that you would be raped, beaten up, sodomised or killed. You will feel exploited, humiliated, manipulated and at times black mailed to perform acts so hideous and nauseating that you want to end your existence. We hear stories about ladies who turn to prostitution as a means to fend for their families and its really hard not to feel sorry for them. Most of us are not aware of how worse our situations could really get when we take the simplest things for granted. The clothes on our skin, the food we eat, shelter, love, family, friends, trust, paying jobs etc.

We ought to remember at all times that no matter the circumstances we find ourselves , we are probably better off than at least 50% of the people out there. That's my two Cents anyways. It's a long weekend here in Nigeria and no one is looking forward to it as much as i am. It would be a time of reflection and bridging the gap between all my old crushes and the new ones. Have a great weekend ahead and thanks for reading.

Scratch the itch

2010-02-12T14:19:00.000+01:00

I never married because there was no need. I have four pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, a vibrator which pleasures me all evening, and a cat that comes home late at night.

The first time I heard about the Platinum Rampant Rabbit, I honestly thought it was some sort of real life rabbit that was silver in colour or a pet like those miniature pigs Hollywood celebs were buying as fashion accessories. Then i figured it was a really horny rabbit. Boy O! how far from the truth i was. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the scene that awaited me when i finally found out what the PRR was.

I had gone to my cousin Ada's yard in Ikoyi. Her Mother said she was upstairs brushing her teeth. It was a Saturday morning and i usually picked her up to use Eko gym on Idejo street. I ran upstairs because we were running late and was about to knock when i heard a buzzing noise like a millions flies singing Hallelujah; then something that sounded like a yelp or a moan. But again it seemed like she was humming to herself. I pushed open the door and saw the most nightmarish sight ever. Worse than Freddie Kruger and the Elm Street crew.

It turns out that the humming i heard was her deck playing what i got to later learn was Andrea Bocelli's Por ti Volare. She was sprawled on her bed and it seemed like the structure was vibrating. I could still hear the buzz. Her eyes were closed and she was moaning. Between her legs was what looked like a stick. I moved closer and the shit kept bzzzzing. I started grinning, this was too rich. So i shouted and she jumped up. I'm not sure who was more embarrassed. I kept asking ''what the hell is that?'' ''what are you doing?'' and ''why does it look transparent?'' This thing looked like a really big penis. I couldn't imagine how it all fit inside of her. That shit was huge. I was convulsed with laughter cos the alternative would have been unthinkable. The whole situation was weird enough already. I left her and went back downstairs. A part of me was in shock because Ada is quite the religious person and I'm sure her Bible would have told her that indulging in any form of masturbation was a sin-a complete no no. I couldn't resist sending a couple of black berry messages to my sisters. This was major news in our family circle.

You've got to love it when you experience other people's secrets as opposed to hearing about them. It makes you wonder if they're the same people you know and what other tricks they have up their sleeves. I drove with Ada to the gym in the most awkward silence of my years and i couldn't wait to go back home. As soon as i freshened up at home, I logged onto the Internet to do some research about Vibrators and sex toys in general. You wouldn't believe the things out there. There's the platinum rampant rabbit which is a dildo with ears shaped like a rabbit (I think that's what my cousin was putting in her 'ahem'), then there's the Bullet, which is shaped like a real bullet, and there's the thruster which does all the thrusting. Now, for a single lady like me it was very tempting. I begun to feel like owning a sex toy would not be such a bad idea.

So, on my recent trip, I went into an Ann Summers shop to do a little snooping. Being a Christian from a strong Catholic upbringing, I was kinda embarrassed. It almost made the sign of the cross because it seemed like i entering Sin City. To make matters worse, the first thing i saw was a lollipop shaped like a penis. I waved away the sales person who was offering her assistance and did the browsing on my own. To the left were costumes, handcuffs, whips etc. Further inside, in what looked like a back room, was the Sex toys zone. Standing right inside were three ladies and i have no doubt in my mind that the youngest was about 66 years old. The oldest was holding some purple thing. I didn't even wait to see what it was exactly. I confess that i bought a few things from the shop fled, making sure to put the Ann Summers bag into one of my other shopping bags.

Some say the rabbit is the only vibrator guaranteed to give you orgasms. They say it comes in all shapes, sizes and colours-this I have seen with my eyes. Others say once you go rabbit, you can't go back because it becomes an obsession. I say its all bullshit for now. Until i gather the liver to try one of those things out, and to be the judge of how and what it feels like, i would not succumb to that fallacy. After all said and done, nothing would ever beat being in bed with the 'real' deal.

Bang Bang, He shot me down

2010-02-01T10:19:00.000+01:00

I believe in America, America has made my fortune. And i raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but i taught her never to dishonour her family. She found a boyfriend, not an Italian. She went to the movies with him, she stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey and then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honour. So they beat her, like an animal. When i went to the hospital, her nose was a'broken. Her jaw was a'shattered, held together by wire. She couldn't even weep, because of the pain. But i wept. Why did i weep? She was the light of my life, my beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. I went to the police, like a good American. These two boys were brought to trial. The judge sentenced them to three years in prison-suspended sentence. Suspended sentence! They went free that day! I stood in the court room like a fool. And those two bastards, they smiled at me. Then i said to my wife, for justice we must go to Don Corleone.......

And that was exactly what we did. My friend Chiazo had called me on Thursday the 21st of January to tell me that our mutual friend Sarah had been rushed to The Reddington Hospital with severe injuries. I began to suspect all kinds of things. Sarah had only ever dated two people in her life and was a virgin at 27years old. So of course we were all very protective towards her. She was currently seeing this guy whose father was some big shot in the Oil industry, and whilst every other person felt he was the perfect catch, i had major reservations about him. Mostly because every time he smiled at me, his canines looked like a snarling wolf. There was just no way i could like the guy.

I got to the hospital and was directed to Sara's room. She was a cold mess. Her nose was broken and huge and there was what looked like cotton wool inside her nostrils. One of her eyelids was swollen shut and had some sort of blister, or boil or wound. She'd lost a tooth, and her hands were in bandages. For a few seconds i thought i was on the set of a horror movie. I just stared and stared and stared, and that's when the scream ripped from my throat. What the hell happened to you? What the hell? Who did this? Two nurses came in and asked me to leave. I looked murderous.

I went outside and smoked. I have never smoked before. Chiazo came out and explained to me that Sarah's wolf beat her up. He'd gone at my friend like a boxer punching a sack of meat. He'd hit her head on a side stool, punched her in the face over and over again saying he would destroy her face and no man would ever look at her again. He even used a belt on her bottom and legs, and stepped on her fingers with his Patrick Cox shoes (a birthday gift from Sarah) as she lay in a heap on the ground crying. To make matters worse, he took a pair of scissors and began to chop off her braids. I got his number, took out my phone, and dialed. It was switched off. I just started cursing like crazy. Where the 'blip' was this 'blip'? I called my dad and got the number for the D.P.O of some police station. They came to the hospital and took Sara's statement. When the police went to arrest Mr Wolf, the army dudes at his gate said he wasn't home and they wouldn't even let the cops inside.

Now, let me tell you a bit about my humble self. I'm fiercely protective when it comes to my blood family or people i consider my family. If you hurt them, you die. Simple as. Back at the station, we were told that the guy had travelled out of the country. I couldn't believe it. So, i called my dear friend Dagger and relayed the situation to him. He wanted to see the extent of injuries for himself. Mind you, all this time i hadn't asked why wolf man attacked Sarah. 48 minutes later, Dagger arrived and asked all the questions i couldn't ask. A part of me felt like killing Sarah. It turns out that his cousin had told wolf man in confidence that he'd seen Sarah out in a short dress, hence the beating. This bastard was a deranged jealous maniac. Dagger assured her that everything will be fine. Only, she opens her mouth and begs him not to hurt wolf man or hate him because he really did love her, And for the second time that night i felt like killing Sarah. Chiazo gave Dagger wolf man's address and he left. We all knew what had to be done.

Last week Thursday, Wolf man was at Bacchus. Talk has it that he'd been dancing with this chic known as the Super head of Lagos. She'd agreed to go home with him. He must have been in sexual heaven. They got outside and that's where his perfect little world was damaged. Eye witness accounts say four guys came out of a tinted G class, and began to knock him around. People were too scared to call for help. He was crying by the time he was bundled into the car. Some time later he was thrown out in front of silver bird and the car sped off. I don't suppose he'll ever know what he did to deserve all that but i wish I'd been there to see the low life being humiliated. I would have inserted a hot needle into his penis.

I've never understood the need for a man to hit a woman or vice-versa. Is it a power trip thing? Does it make them feel in charge? Like a member of that movie 'the untouchables'? I was still contemplating this when my phone rang. Demilade has been assaulted by her fiance. I listen attentively to the facts of the case with a sly curve of my lips. When she's done i simply say to her-for justice, We must go to Dagger.

Please note that all names have been changed to protect the identities of all the parties. Dagger's name remains real.

Final Fantasy

2010-01-22T09:28:00.000+01:00

I believe in dragons, fairies, good men, honest husbands and other mythical creatures.

Dear Diary,
It's been one week since my last confession. Forgive me for i have sinned again. I forgot to tell you that sometime last year,i was sat at the astro turf in Lekki phase1 watching crush three play footy with some of the hottest dudes I've seen in Lagos. Some have got ass so firm i wanna just grab it and sink my teeth. Others, thighs so thick I'm imagining all the shit we can do together. I'm not even sure i should feel wrong about this considering the fact that I've got someone I've been looking at from afar for a while now.

Anyways, i decide to hang with my friends that night. We chose Tribeca and for once i decide to wear a pair of jeans. There's loads of good looking well dressed men here. We order drinks and i decide to try some alcohol. I'm about to take a sip when it all spills on my jeans. Someone had obviously bumped into me and I'm so freaking upset. These jeans are Deola Sagoe and they cost me 48grand. I turn around to give whoever it is a piece of my mind and i stop speechless. He's got hazel brown eyes and i find myself transfixed. I'm totally gobsmacked. I can see his mouth moving but i don't understand a word of what he's saying.

Suddenly i begin to hear All Saints Chic Fit playing in my head. It finally dawns on me that he's apologising and offering to buy me another drink. By this time I'm stammering and saying shit like no, yes...utter bloody gibberish. My friends are snickering but i can't be bothered. He smiles and his teeth are so white, his lips are full and he's got dimples. I love dimples. He turns get me some paper towels from the men's room and i see my fingers lift and touch his shoulders. He turns back to me and it's Switchfoot's dare you to move that is playing in my head now. I smile and say don't worry I'm fine when in reality I'm not. How can i be? there's a wet patch on my jeans for petes sake. He introduces himself as Pierre and we strike up a lengthy conversation that ends with us exchanging black berry pins.

Pierre calls two days later and invites me to go go carting with him. I accept and we fix a Saturday. We agree to meet up there, no need for him to pick me up. When i get there, i see him and he's wearing an FCUK tshirt, a pair of jeans and chuck taylors. We hug like old friends and he kisses my cheeks. The ride is exhilarating and I'm having the time of my life. We've been there for two hours, jisting and just having fun. Hunger kicks in and we head to Cafe Royale for dinner. When dinner is over, we go our separate ways.

I called my friends when i got home to see if i can find out anything about him, but no one knows his jist. I get a break through 3 days later and learn that he's self made Millionaire who hasn't dated anyone in four years because his ex broke his heart by sleeping with someone close to him. He calls me on the phone and we chat about movies, music and books. He's amused when i tell him i love books about Carpathians and Lycans. He's a rock fan like me and a catholic too (I say a quick prayer to the Virgin Mary for this). We chat more about work, family, mutual friends, facebook, twitter, holiday spots and even engagement rings. I tell him I'd love a $20,000.00 Harry Winston precious stone ring, cos i thought diamonds were played out. We laughed about it and finally say goodnight to each other/ My phone reads 3hours 15 minutes.

I and Pierre became really good friends and didn't start dating till about four months later. His family were the coolest ever. I remember the first fight we had. It was crazy. I'd gone to check up on my best friends who happens to be a guy, and i didn't check up on Pierre. To make matters worse he was sick. He said it was okay but i knew he was upset, so i decided to pay him a surprise visit at home. I entered and saw this same ex who'd broken his heart kissing him. I went over, dragged the bitch by hair and smacked the devil right out of her head..lol...Well, not really. I only coughed. He looked up and flung her away from him. I excused myself and ran out. He ran after me but i was faster. I ignored him a month after that until one early morning i heard loud music outside my house. I came out and his car was parked outside, all the car windows were down and Hoobastank's the reason was blaring from the speakers. He knelt down before my family and began to plead and apologise. I didn't have the heart to send him away. I realised right there that i was in love with him. We made love for the first time that night and it was beautiful, marvelous, hot, sweaty. It felt so right-so damn right that i made a mental note to throw away my six vibrators.

Pierre proposed to me at St Barth during the Xmas holidays. I got my Harry Winston alright. A magnificent ruby gem. At the engagement dinner he got will young to perform a rendition of The Beatles ''All you need is love'', my absolute all time favourite track. I would have preferred Lynden David Hall but he died some years back God rest his soul. Pierre's friends Arun Nayar, Lewis Hamilton, Imaad Rahmouni and Pierce Brosnan where all there. He'd flown my closest friends over. He kept whispering how much he loved me. I was ready to begin life with this lovely man. After everyone had left, we went down to the hotel pool to swim. As soon as i hit the water, i heard an insistent ringing in my head and i fainted.

I woke up to a loud noise. It felt like hell. Damn this alarm clock going off. Feels like its screaming ''get out of bed and get ready for work you dreamer''. I sighed and got up to brush my teeth. It's all my imagination, this guy i wanna meet and all these feelings i wanna experience. It's all in my crazy, twisted, head. This is my final fantasy so help me God.

I Believe in Miracles

2010-01-15T09:38:00.003+01:00

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Contrary to popular belief, I get bored after about 15 minutes of sexual intercourse. I honestly don't know how to explain this. I just know that during the first five minutes all i want is for the guy to grab my butt, kiss my boobs and do what not. Three minutes later I'm all geared up and ready to go. Add another three minutes and i start getting ticklish. This is a sign for you to stop and takes things slow but of course he doesn't - my body begins to twitch and i get irritated. Then it begins to feel like sexual assault.

Okay, maybe not assault per se but I've always wondered how women claim not to want a one minute man. As far as I'm concerned, if you can make me come in one minute, please feel free to be my one minute man.

I suppose my addiction to books has destroyed my sense of what is good vs what is shabby. For instance, the perfect kiss for me can only be found in a book, so is the best sex I've ever had, my first shower with a guy, or the first time i had an orgasm etc... My idea of the ideal romance has become so twisted that I'm not even sure such a thing exists. There was a time in my life when i was adventurous and looked forward to sex, but not anymore. What's worse is that i haven't even hit the 5man mark of sexual partners yet.

So what is my problem. I really cannot begin to imagine. There are times i feel like its the impatience in me. I hate to waste minutes on anything like makeup. I get dressed in less than five minutes, the longest I've spent in the shower was seven minutes and that probably because i had to wash my hair or shave. It's become like this cycle where i have to do everything under five minutes.

I'm a healthy female who is considered sexy and pretty by some guys (I admit i think they're pretty blind or crazy), and my sexual appetite is supposed to be going through the roof at this my ripe age, but its not and i can't understand it. So, i decided to make an appointment to see Dr. Olawale, a psychologist at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital. Now i have to admit i was very nervous. I'd seen enough Hollywood movies to know that these people just messed with your head and filled it with nonsense.

The day is Wednesday the 12th, time is 10am, the office is neat but smells of antiseptic. Its not cosy at all like in the movies. He's surprisingly good looking with eyes like he can see into my very soul. The session begins and i lay out my problem. When I'm done, he looks at me for a bit then goes on to tell me that my condition is common in Women but quite rare in Men. He says its something called Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (FSAD). Apparently it is caused by both Physical and Psychological factors. Physical factors like Anaemia, Alcoholism: i don't drink, Drug abuse: I've never done drugs, Major diseases like Diabetes, Post baby coolness and Tranquilisers: I'm a psycho, I admit that, but I'm also pretty sure my parents have never had to tranquilise me. Psychological factors include Depression: aren't we all depressed, Stress and overwork:check, anxiety, past sexual abuse, latent lesbianism:i like men thank you very much, serious relationship problems with your partner: possible, and finally difficult living conditions: erm, does sharing a room with my sisters fall under this?

Damn, this guy is reading me an Epistle. I'm paying attention but also getting impatient because i want to know the remedies available to fight this thing. He says there are about fifteen remedies. Desire cream:introduced in 2001 which contains an ingredient similar to wintergreen and produces a tingly sensation in the clitoris, Suction vibrators:a device called EROS approved by the American Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for treating low sexual desire. It costs GBP 200 {GBP 165 more expensive than a rampant rabbit}, Sabal Serrulata:Its biological name is Saw Palmetto and it works by triggering the body to produce the right hormones to aid in sexual drive, Sarsaparilla:a herb used as a sexual and rejuvenating tonic, Genitiana Lutea Radix Powder:is another herb used for a total well being and promotes use of all body organs and the last but not the least is Turnavia Aphrodisiac: A nervous system stimulant which helps improve the sex drive in women.

By this time, I'm going fucking crazy. This guy hasn't said anything tangible to me. I feel defeated. How can he indirectly be saying that i indeed have a problem. This was supposed to be a joke, but its beginning to dawn on me that i may have a problem. The session ends and i thank him for his time. I'm getting up to go when he says ''Ivory, you basically need to have the support and understanding of a partner who wants to help you defeat the problem, and who understands how to get you excited in bed.''

In other words, I'm back to square fucking one---single, searching and sexually frustrated.

Alcoholics are Us

2009-12-22T09:37:00.000+01:00

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a 27 year old chic who does not like clubbing and due to peptic ulcer, I cannot drink alcohol. In other words I've never gotten drunk, tipsy, pissed, smashed or whatchumacallit. I would imagine all my friends feel sorry for me. I'm boring like that, but at least my liver is intact and my skin is lovely. Ask crush 5.

I remember vividly the first all niter i pulled at the club. It was the day of my prom. I'd been pining for this guy Zuka who was in a rival school. He was the coolest dancer then and he reminded me so much of tupac. First time we met, was during his school's inter house sports and through my friends Kappa and Delta. I was so bloody shy and was amused to hear that he fancied me. Can i just point out that my hair was so due, i had to use some tick brush to straighten it out. I looked a hot mess but he didn't seem to notice all that. I saw him in church after that and was way too tongue tied to say hello, possibly because my outfit screamed colour riot.

Prom came and i badly wanted to ask him to go with me. Since i couldn't, i got my friend Ela to ask if he'd be interested in attending the high school prom. He said he wasn't. I was gutted and ended up taking my family friend Chamo who totally messed up my night. First he didn't even have a ride, so i had to pick him up from his house. What the hell kind of prom date doesn't have a ride? And i was so angry through out prom that i just left him there to find his way home. My dad still can't understand what i was thinking, and to be totally honest, neither can i. What did i know? I was fifteen for crying out loud.

After prom i followed my friends to Syrian club. It was such an eye opener because i had never been to a club ever. There were semi-clad girls in camouflage prints. Alcohol, cigarettes, weed, sweat. Zuka was there, and he totally ignored me. I found out later in University that he had waited for me to ask him to prom. The time was now past one and my heart started to beat really fast. My parents are going to killllllllllll me. I met Chatoki, a unilag year one dude who told me i might as well have fun because my parents were gonna ground me anyway. So i did. Got home at past 5, and the whole house was awake and waiting for me. I wanna keep my head up high with my respect, so I'm not gonna tell you the details of what went down that night when i got home.

Suffice to say, I didn't hit the clubs again till Uni. Let me just tell you, it was absolutely fucking crazy. I just ran mad. I became a major night owl after that;looking for every opportunity to tell my parents that i had to sleep in school. I was a regular at the EXL club parties. i got invited by ABC and FOADS but never RHO. Can any ex RHO member explain the reason why? Then the night clubs in Lagos started opening. There were clubs like Atlantic bar, Club Towers, K's place, Pyramid, Bacchus, 11:45, Incognito, etc.The night life in Lagos was mad. I'd meet guys who would be too fucking drunk to remember you the next day. There were those who would want to spike your drinks. It was like Sin City.

I'm hoping i go from getting over my phobia for clubbing and alcohol to finding the strength to show the finger to my ulcer. I would get so drunk that I'd have tales to tell my readers about a one night stand and nudity. Slu..shh is a good place to start. Till then, I'm going back to do work for which I'm getting paid for. It's not easy being single in Lagos, but a girl has got to do what she gotta do.

The Last Mohican

2009-12-15T08:37:00.001+01:00

''A Child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five''......

December 5th:
I decide to go and check out the building site. I pick my friend Loki, a lawyer, from his house and we drive down to crush two's house. Three of us inspect the place and end up at Loki's house where we have lunch. Whilst there i get a call from BATA inviting me to Chocolat Royal. I go with crush two and drop him off at his house later. I look at him hoping he'd kiss me. He doesn't. *sigh*. It's gonna be a long drive home....

December 6th:
It's my Brother's birthday. I wait till 6pm to wish him a happy birthday cos i'm weird like that. I wait and wait and wait for crush two to send me a text/bb message. But he doesn't. I'm not happy at all, so I fume and my day goes AWOL from there. I get a call from my girl Manki who lives in Port Harcourt. She was kidnapped by militants in Niger Delta. She says she heard gunshots and got down from her car to run like everyone else, but they carried her and blindfolded her. She was on her period, so by the time she got to their base she was stained and the leader just ran mad. Apparently they are not supposed to see a woman's blood. They made her take an oath not to curse them and they in turn promised not to harm her. She says after the oath, they spoiled her silly. Her company paid 3Million Naira and she was released. She didn't wanna leave. The Militants still call to check up on her and make sure she's alright.

December 7th:
Crush two sends me a message this morning asking how I'm doing. Finally......but I don't reply. I even consider deleting him from my blackberry. My dear friend BOTA and I chat for a while. She says my blog is causing commotion in her school. I love chatting with this chic, she's one of the realest people I know. The air in the office is great today. Everyone is buzzing about the annual Xmas party. I can't wait. Mr Cute Lips sends me a bb message telling me I look nice. Big Smile. My colleague walks in about 30 minutes later carrying a Hermes Birkin bag. It's a FAKE. I'm laughing uncontrollably inside-But I say ''nice bag''....

December 8th:
I'm on twitter when crush two replies to a post of mine. I can't be asked to reply. Work goes pretty fast and i go to Lekki with crush three to watch a football match. There's so many good looking brothers up in here, so much so that I start trying to get all my single female friends to come join me. My friend's ex wife is there. I look at her and smile whilst she sends me malevolent daggers. She looks like Miss Maggot face---so so wasted.

December 9th:
''I miss you''. That's the bb message i get from crush two at 9am. I'm grinning so much I don't even know when I reply and say ''miss you too''-I'm such a wanker. We chat albeit awkwardly and its all good.YAY!!! I have my crush back. I learn Crush five's dog is dead. Apparently she was negligently locked up in the car and suffocated to death. I call him and offer my condolences. He says his mom asked about me. My elder sister calls to say she'll be coming into Lagos and like the Queen of England, I am not amused. After work I go to the movies with my ex. He's having issues with his girl friend and I give him some advice. He broke up with her tonight. Dammit.

December 10th:
It's the office Xmas party tomorrow. The theme is ''look good in your national attire''. I send crush two a bb message and we chat for a long time as usual. He finally comes out to tell me he fancies me. Its unbelievable. Does this mean he's not gay? I speak to my friend Crystal, and she's having man issues. She's falling in lust with her ex again who happens to be involved with someone else. Its a known fact that he's still crazily, stupidly, in love with her. I tell her all will be well. My nemesis calls me to say that my ex from Law School is married. Erm....excuse the fuck out of me but am I supposed to be sad? Anyways, its my family friend's engagement party at the Civic Center today and my dad insists I must go for it. I suppose he's hoping I'll get to meet a guy there. I kindly decline the offer. My parents leave for the wedding upset, I go back to work.

December 11th:
It's the day of the Xmas party. woohoo woohoo!! I'm trying to draft an agreement when I get a bb message from crush two asking me to come see him. I say I'm at work, and he asks me to take an hour off. So I do. I get to his house and we talk and flirt and flirt and flirt and talk. I tell him he smells nice so he asks me to lean in and smell the cologne. I do. He kisses me. Oh my days! the beauty of it. It feels so good I can't get enough of his lips. My phone starts to ring; its my colleagues at work wondering where the hell I am. I say I'll be there shortly. This bloke is doing things to my tongue I never thought were possible.... my hormones are screaming and raging and then the tears from below come again. It takes another phone call to jut me back to my senses. I have to leave. He has this smirk on his face like he's saying ''a fag right?''. I go back to the office and the party is already in full swing. It's dance time and one of my colleague starts to dance really dirty on the dance floor. I'm too embarrassed to look at her. I go home with three bottles of red wine.....pure bliss.

December 12th:
Its the white wedding of my family friend. I lie to my folks that I need to be at the office. Instead I meet up with crush two at a bar. We have drinks and I leave. I visit crush six and we buy pizza together. I chat with him when i get home and drift off to sleep.

December 13th:
There's some sort of argument at home. I'm sat in my room reading 'The Wolf Prince' and drinking a mixture of red wine and sprite. I'm supposed to hook up with crush two today and I'm seriously hoping he grabs my butt..... Damn Ivory, I caution myself: you only just got back from church. I get to his place and all we do is talk and I think to myself; I can fancy you. I leave abruptly because there's electric tension in the air. I'm driving home happy when it hits me that Crush two has toppled crush one and officially taken his place in my head. I go to bed happy and pray that he visits me in my dreams so we can do all the things we really wanna do to each other. Sweet Dreams.

Please note that the names mentioned in this write up have been changed in order to protect the identity and privacy of those listed.

Mr Cheat

2009-12-08T08:41:00.000+01:00

''IT IS UNFAIR TO SAY THAT MEN SPEND THEIR ENTIRE LIVES IN THE PURSUIT OF SEX. THAT'S SIMPLY NOT THE CASE, THEY DO, AFTER ALL, HAVE TO EAT''....

Let it be known that I've got six crushes, but only four of them stand out. I've been having weird dreams about crush number two cheating on my affections with some girl called Lizzy for the fifth consecutive night in a row. In my dreams i try to hate her but i find that i cannot because she's the sweetest thing ever. It breaks my heart to learn that he's actually 'doing' her. All this is in dream land obviously but i decide to delete him from my affections and hence my list of crushes. If he's not gay, then he's quite unserious about me.

So, the story doing the rounds is Tiger Woods. It seems like its no longer a big deal in the man world to cheat on women. The thing that baffles me is why most women never leave a cheating man. Its either they wanna make the relationship work, save face or need the benefits of the marriage. I find myself asking why Tina didn't leave IK Turner all those years? Why didn't Victoria leave David Beckham, Cheryl leave Ashely Cole, Hillary leave Bill Clinton, Erin leave Tiger Woods and why the hell did OJ Simpson kill Nicole-? Irrelevant i know. Would it be because these men where rich,powerful and popular in their chosen professions?

Follow me down memory lane. I was in law school and he was the toast of the ton. Rich,clean but not very good looking. I'd first seen him during one of our lunch breaks all dressed up in a black Armani suit, black shirt and black tie. We met sometime later through a mutual friend and struck up a friendship that led to the craziest nine months of my entire adult hood. Every day after class, he would drive me back to my dorm in one of his numerous cars. Stuck on the windscreen would be sheets of paper from different girls with names and numbers asking him to give them a call. I didn't care at the time cos he was so attentive and caring towards me. He would send the driver to pick me up on Fridays for the weekend, load up my phone and would never ever let me touch a penny of my own money. But then everything that glitters isn't gold. I learned that the hard way.

It wasn't until our court and chamber attachment that the various rumours about him started to surface. I was doing mine in Lagos, and his was in Abuja. What was all this crap i was hearing? This dude had practically spent the Xmas holiday at my house in the village. I recall one particular morning he came in his pajamas. I asked him about the rumours and he blatantly denied it. To make matters worse, one of the girls he was sleeping with was dating my good friend and one night he called to beg me to ask my man to leave his girl alone. Next thing i hear he's dating some politicians daughter. My Lawd, this fool couldn't keep his damn dick in his pants. It's too much, and i break it off. That night Arsenal won Manchester United in penalty shoot outs to win the 2005 FA Cup. The gods were obviously giving me a gift.

I stayed away for three months. Then it was time to go back to school. A couple of Swarovski's later, I and him were back together. Just like Erin called Tiger's lover, I began getting prank calls from someone i suspected was the politician's daughter threatening me. I remember one time I and him had gone out to get dinner. We were robbed. Being the Lagos girl that i am, i jumped right on to the driver side and out of the car. They took him away with the car. We got to learn later that they stole the car and stripped him naked. Some passer by had to give him clothing. My mom warned me to let him go, but i just couldn't. We had two major arguments during our relationship and i remember he threw me out in the middle of the night and my family friend had to come pick me up.

I look back and i can't understand what the hell i was thinking. Why on earth did i stay so long with this guy? He cheated on me countless times, he would apologise for it, be good for some weeks and go back..all the while parading me as his one and only. My much older female friends would say he's a man and is allowed to cheat but it was my job as a woman to make the relationship work. Now i wonder did people feel sorry for me too? I think about all those women i mentioned above and i wonder what their reasons where. I had mine-what's yours?

My new philosophy is listed below-interested applicants are to send me messages..lol

A tall good-looking guy with a good-
reputation, who is friends with every-
body, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

What can i say? Life is a beast, but God forbid the beast to divorce me...

Thanksgiving Weekend

2009-12-02T08:55:00.000+01:00

They say Lagos is filled with handsome, intelligent young men looking for girlfriends. Hey, I'm a girlfriend.......

7:15am
It's a long Sallah break in Nigeria and i contemplate traveling out of Lagos. I'm feeling Obudu Cattle Ranch in Calabar, as i don't think i wanna indulge in the Lagos night life for a while. But on Thursday morning, i get a blackberry (bb) message from my girl BATA asking if i wanted to hang out Friday night. So i say yes.

11:00am
I go to the office on a bloody public holiday to do some work. Mr cute lips is around too. He's Indian, but one of the best looking ones I've ever seen. He comes over to my cubicle for a chat and we flirt a little. Gawd, he's so hot. He asks me how I'm spending the break and i tell him all about my Friday night plans. He's very interested and we agree to hook up. Yay!!! Its a date. He leaves me to continue my work, and I'm sat there, smiling like a stuffed badger at the beginning of the mating season.

12:15pm
I get a bb message from one of my crushes asking if I'd like to do ice cream. I hate ice cream but he doesn't know this. I say yes, meet you at Robert's Cafe. He gets there before me, smelling so good i wanna eat him up. All through the conversation I'm thinking ''lean forward dammit, lean forward''. Of course he doesn't. *sigh*. He looks at me sheepishly and says he has something to tell me, says he's too shy, so he'll just send me a bb message. For the first time, I curse the makers of the Blackberry. We chat about politics and all the rumours surrounding Yar'Adua and Tiger Woods. Time is up, we leave in separate cars.

3:00pm
I'm still stuck in traffic. My phone rings but I can't pick the call because there's LASTMA officials everywhere. I get to a safe place and park. It's my Dad's younger sister in Atlanta. Apparently some geezer there saw my pictures and wants to marry me. I laugh. This Aunt whom i really loathe is trying to fix me up? I can just see the headlines at our next family meeting - Ivory Malinov, official mail order bride. I assure her that i will send some pictures to her later.

4:09pm
Still stuck in traffic listening to Blue October belt out 'hate me today', and suddenly i find myself reflecting on a lot of things. Horns start blaring and i realise I've been day dreaming on the steering wheel. I call up crush number two to tell him I'll be coming to his and he promises me a massage. I make my way down to the palms to shop for lingerie. I buy these things just incase.......

5:18pm
I arrive at crush number two's house. We chat for a while and i get the massage. There's no friskiness because he's trust worthy like that. No hands' moving anywhere else but my shoulders. I'm kind of disappointed. I wonder if he's gay. He's a good looking bloke with a wicked dress sense. He assures me for the umpteenth time that he's straight and tries to convince me that I'm hot. I don't buy that but it feels great to hear him say it. We chat for a while and I can't place my emotions for him.

10:00pm
I'm still with him when i get a bb message from this Artiste asking if I would attend an event with him as a date. I realise he probably thinks I might fancy him, so i lie and say I've got chicken pox. He apologises, wishes me a speedy recovery and fades.

11:00pm
I'm at home by this time, reading the Vampire Le'stat when my phone rings. its her again-my aunt, asking for the pictures i promised to send. Have i mentioned how much I detest this woman? I apologies and collect her e-mail address. I want this picture to look stunning, so I take a bath, brush my teeth and generally freshen up. I mail the shots to her and give her 15 minutes.

11:20pm
My phone rings and I know who it is before I pick up the phone. But alas, its my father, not his sister as expected. He proceeds to scold me and tell me I'm a disgrace. Says I need to stop being so mean and non-chalant to things affecting my life. This rant of course is all due to the pictures i sent his dear sister. What the hell did i do wrong? She wanted pictures, so i sent her four of them. Two of my pubic hairs, one with my tongue out and one of my butt crack. The e-mail attached to it read ''I'm not interested in any present or future match makings you wish to do for me. A 48 year old man who is isn't married is a bloody loser, have a nice viewing and stay the fuck out of my life''.....

Good Morning people, have a lovely week ahead.