The Shit Hole.

First of all, my unlimited respect, value and salutation to all and their personal opinions.

I hate anal sex. I hate what it stands for, I hate the thought of it and I hate the practice of it. No fuck that, I’m scared shitless of anal sex. Have I ever had anal sex? NO! But I’ve had an anal experience that has put me off the whole thing for LIFE. I would dispense that story as you read on.

I find the very thought of it selfish and a tad bit degrading. Selfish because I really doubt anyone but the guy attains sexual pleasure from it. Research has shown that the walls of the anus are so tight that the rectum practically sucks up the penis like a vacuum which must be a truly great experience for the guy. So he cums and that ends that? Where’s the pleasure for the woman? Even if you decide to maybe stroke her clitoris while you analyse her, she would probably be too worried and tensed to reach an orgasm. We’re not even talking about the germs in the anus that can cause all kinds of infections. First of all, the anus must be lubricated to avoid pain and discomfort. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable that the man must go really gently so as to avoid tear or cause internal bleeding which may or may not be repairable. The chick is also likely to end up with permanent damage to her bowel movement. There are also those guys who don’t use condoms and cum in the butt. Do you know that semen mixed with contents of the rectum can make her really sick? What then is the point of mind altering sex if I can’t be relaxed or ask my partner to go fast when I’m on the throes of pleasure? Talking about one must not poopoo at least two hours before anal, must take a shower and use a douche to scent that place incase he wants to lick it. Like WTF!!! How many guys do you know will go down and lick an anus or put their fingers in one? Don’t worry-I’ll wait. Then again ladies, maybe your first rule to those anxious guys should be you can’t poke it unless you’re willing to lick it first.

Think about it for a minute though. The rectum was not designed to have things go in; only out. The vagina stretches to let in a penis and let out a child, but the anus does not. Hence regular use of it for sex will cause it to lose its elasticity and you may need to start wearing diapers or get stitched up. We women are so conscious of our bodies that it sometimes leads to nervousness during normal intercourse. Now, imagine if it was anal sex-she will probably be having thoughts like I just pooed isn’t my hole smelling, what if he puts his fingers there and it comes out with shit? I mean, why would any girl in her right mind be naked and allow a man’s penis enter there? I would personally be mortified. The smell, the germs, the bacteria-a huge fucking turn off. It would feel so sick, twisted and perverted. My friend Owolabi says "I agree that with some men it is a taboo and I’m sure that guys like me enjoy it more because we feel we are taking something that is not freely given. I think if it was in my case, when a chick says, ‘yeah, do me in the butt anytime you want, I love it and blah blah blah’, guys wouldn’t want it that much. I think deep down it’s the control factor and when the control is gone, the need is gone as well. I remember during NYSC, this chick said she didn’t like it but did it with two nice guys and at the time couldn’t sit for over a week. Two “nice” guys? If you don’t like it, why are you doing it? No wonder you can’t sit."

Okay, so my own meandering experience goes thus. I had a running stomach for almost 3weeks in March last year and after several urine, blood and stool tests which all proved negative, I decided to see a doctor about it. Biggest mistake of my life. I get there and he asks me the usual questions. Do you have rashes, swelling or blood around your butt? To which I reply in the negative. My mom insisted on going with me there to make me feel all comfy and stop the doctor from having any weird ideas. But I think she was really worried. Then he asks me to push up my dress, take off my panties and lie down on my side so he can check for swelling or blood. I’m like huh? Dude I just fucking told you I had none of that. I hesitate further when I see him putting on gloves and I’m like errrr… do you plan on sticking your fingers up my butt? He smiled and said I should just lie down and relax. I do so and as he sticks his finger up and around my butt to check for hemorrhoids and crap, I cringe in pain. It feels like three hours when its finally over but it was just about 45 seconds. He says there’s a little swelling but he needs to take a closer look. Now I’m even more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish shop. A closer look how? Do I have to pull my butt cheeks apart so you can peer inside? This man actually laughs. He goes over to some locker and brings out a periscope the size of a three month old puppy. I shit you not. It looked like the spaceship in ET. I thought to myself-there is no fucking way that 3month old puppy is going to fit in my ass. He laughs again and says ‘that is because this part does not go up there’. This guy is deranged I tell you. Like he’s enjoying my discomfort in a sick way. Out of the alien he pulls out this penis looking thing and says ‘this does’. He rubs some ky jelly and explains to my mom that it is to make it glide in easier… and that’s when I freak out. Fuck No! Fuck No!!! you’re not going to sodomise me with that shit. I don’t care what you think. Fuck that. My mom tells me I’m acting like a baby. I look at her like are you going to sit there and let them analise your daughter? She calls my sister, a doctor, who tells me I have to do it just to be sure I haven’t gotten internal bleeding and what not from the constant stooling. How is that even possible? People shit all the damn time. 

I’m so pissed off when I lie down. I squeeze my butt so tight and start reciting psalm23. The KY jelly obviously doesn’t work. How can it? The thing he’s trying to shove inside me is like 6inches, but my butt is squeezed so tight that only about two inches go in before I start uttering profanities. At the end, It was weird, painful and hurt like a muthafucker. Plus the doctor didn’t find anything. I wanted to slam his head on the wall. My butt felt violated and he gave me some medication and anusol. Getting fucked in the butt by a fucking microscope is not something I would ever want to relieve ever again- and one stupid guy will now tell me to open my butt for him to go in? The male gspot is located in the anus right? How about if I anal-ysed you instead? No? Yeah.. I didn’t think so.

Anal sex isn’t just for the sexually daring anymore, but don’t let that fool you. If you enjoy doing it then by all means carry on. But if you hate it and you’re doing it just to please your man-then you need to consider whether he truly respects and likes you. Backdoor play is a different beast altogether.

PS: Turns out the stooling was due to some chinese tea I had been drnking. All that pain for nothing.

The Rilwan Competition

 

Okay people, the rules are pretty simple. The prize is $300 and there will be three questions in total. Each question is worth $100, so the point of this competition is to try and get all three correct. The first person to get all three answers right wins the $300, failing in which the first person to get questions 2 and 3 right wins $200 and failing in which the first person to get only question 3 right, wins $100. In other words, you have to answer all three questions. Leave your answers in the comment box along with your e-mail address. 

1. Rilwan has three singles out. Name them and the Artistes featured on each. ($100)
2. Sinzu is to Saucekid, Utunu is to Lynxxx as .............. is to Rilwan. ($100)
3. Who were the DJ's appreciated in Rilwan's new single 'Blow'? If you haven't heard blow, visit http://www.360nobs.com/2012/03/get-familiar-rilwan-blow/ to do so. ($100)

Please note that this competition is only valid between the hours of 12pm-6pm today. It is not open to Family and Friends of Play Records Management. If you do not live in Nigeria and wish to enter, please ensure that you have a contact here in Nigeria that will collect the winnings on your behalf. You can only make one entry, so be sure of your answers. Good luck.

A Rhetorical Conversation

When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. "It's all right" we whisper, "I'm here, I love you." and we lie: "I'll never leave you." For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad.

Neil Gaiman:Midnight Days

Hey Dad, sorry we haven't spoken in a while. I've been so caught up trying to live my life and chase money, that I've forgotten to take the time to remember you. You  who gave up everything for me. Sad, I know. Sometimes i feel that I'd go to work and come back to see you sitting in the second parlor surrounded by visitors. Your police uniform shining with that smile of yours. A smile i apparently inherited. I'm really sorry Dad, but I'm here now so let's talk.

How are you doing? Do you have a special cook catering to your meals there? You always did like your pounded yam and ground rice. You only allowed mom cook for you, so i wonder how you're coping now. It must really be hard. The Police force is still the same. MD Abubakar is now IGP. You always did say he was a good police officer. Oh me? There's nothing to say about me. I'm still confused about what i want to do with my life. I've grown tired of law, even though i love it so much. I feel like its time i tried something different. No, I don't have a new boyfriend. Hahahahahaha, I know I'm getting old Dad but there seems to be no honest guys out there. I promise I'm not being picky either.

Mom? *sigh*. What can i say under the circumstances. Mom is doing well. I know she misses you everyday. I see the hint of sadness behind her eyes and thank God everyday for her strength. I feel sorry for her occasionally, because when we all get married and leave the house, she will be so fucking alone. Forgive my use of words Dad, but none of this is easy on any of us. I'm not crying, My eyes itch. An eye lash must have fallen in. I've never been able to lie to you anyway. Every other person is doing great. Charlie got engaged in December and Henrie in January. Baby A has gone to the United States to pursue her USMLEA while Henrie left to do a masters in Scotland. Of course, we're always there for each other, closer than ever and yes we still argue. We're doing great things and sometimes we sit and reminisce about you. Looking at your picture makes me cry. I can't help it, the tears just roll down. Sometimes they come with a smile when i remember something you said or did and at other times its a heart wrenching sob from the depth of my soul. Then i have to hide from others because they look at me like I'm strong.

 Am i sniffing again? Thanks for the tissue Dad. My tissue is the memory of you instilled forever in my heart and memory. My tissue being that i know you're safe and well. My tissue being that there's a piece of you in each of us. Nigeria is slowly going crazy but i bet even you can see all that. Boko Haram and all sorts of other threats to the security and stability of the country. Yes, but we still pray and pray for better leaders and a better tomorrow. Hahahaha...ok, I promise that the next time we have a conversation, I'll tell you about 'the wonderful man' in my life. You know I miss you right? We all do. You liked the song Timi Dakolo and Rilwan did for you? Cry for you? Wow! I'll be sure to tell them. No, i hardly ever listen to it. Somehow i think you know why father. The words are too painful and sorrowful. You have to go now to pray and intercede on our behalf? Does it really work that way? We pray for you all the time sha. Our very own angel. I promise I'll see you someday in the afterlife.......but not yet.

It seems kinda strange the promises human beings make to each other. Our parents assure us that they will be there to protect us and then something stupid like cancer takes one of them away. Our friends consistently sound it in our ears that they have our back, but then something lame like an argument or greed and envy destroys that friendship and where does that leave us? We go through each day hearing about the failures, problems, death, diseases, shame and hurt of others, but how many of us really slow down to think of the consequences or the fact that it could have been any one of us in those shoes? How many of us really take time to appreciate our parents and siblings or the goodness we find in the people around us? The food, the shelter, the good health, the job, the okada or the car or even the money to enter public transport? Just stop for a minute and think about it.